Welcome to the Chaos

2011-03-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

"Oh but give me love over
Love over, love over this"

~ Coldplay

2011-03-03T18:18:00.000-05:00

I find myself becoming particularly wary as of late. I don't know if it's an overall hesitation to let myself go after something I want, or if subconsciously I feel like I shouldn’t try because I’ve hit too many walls in the past. Though, I am enjoying the sensation of realizing that something I once held on to is no longer a vice in my life, but rather a chapter in my heart that is closed forever.

I’m also beginning to feel this perpetual state of disinvolvement with the people in my life too. I know a large part of it is friends moving apart, no longer conscripted by our need to validate each other through intertwining company. And undeniably part of it is shallowness. At first I emotionally battled this departure which led to kind of an angsty state of mind that I’m pretty sure was obviously, albeit overtly. I’m not a big fan of change, and particulars aside, I’m not even a small fan. Whichever side of the fan spectrum you’re on, it’s safe to assume that I don’t like change.

I just suddenly understood the line “because you see too much safety”. Maybe that’s my problem. I see things only as ok or not ok. Maybe it does boil down to fear of the unknown and I’m afraid to draw outside of the lines. It’s an interesting thought, and defiantly a conundrum because I always know what I want and what I want is always spectacularly clear to me. Although I usually know when it’s not good for me and when it’s not good to pursue. I don’t know. Self assurance has never been something that I’ve been terribly capable of. I think way too logically and it threatens the existence of personal happiness because it constricts any leaps of faith that may be required. I just don’t want to be bound to singularity because of my ironic ineptitude.

I’m not sure why I’ve written all of this. I think it’s partially due to a range of pangs I’ve had this week. Pining might be a more accurate description. Anyways, I've suddenly found a door slightly cracked, or has the appearance of being cracked and I’m waiting to see if there is light behind the four paneled door. I walk past the door all the time and every time I pass it I’ve thought to myself that if and when it opened.

Who knows, maybe this is the start of it all

(500) Days of Summer

2011-01-30T00:30:00.002-05:00

12 flights of stairs up to the top

where the wind blows whistling love songs

he takes each step 1 at a time

expecting something he will never find

144 stairs in the well

he knocks on the door baring a gift wrapped in brown

his love worn out on his sleeve

images of love will soon be mixed with pain

visions of ecstasy dance in his mind

expectancy ruining all he's wanting to find

reality hits him with the cold hard truth

he'll leave the rooftop shedding stairs in reproof

months it'll take on top of the days

to remove all the hurt between the shame

it wasn't all her fault, but part of it was

he left all of that on the apartment rooftop

a park bench overlooking a silent city

became the mark that held his destiny

the seasons changed and came something new

it was there all along waiting for him to choose

Allegory #1,456,959

2011-01-30T00:28:00.002-05:00

Captains see through white waves

anchoring ships in shallow bays

Sailing towards deep coasts

finding treasure in false hope

As darkness spreads out

wind blows through rain clouds

White sails gain weight

as fast ships graze waves

Green trees pass by

hopeful docking yields no supply

Wasteful months give no luck

sailors shouldn't anchor where there's no love

Deep blue on brown hull

cutting through a liquid toll

Seeking solace in bitter ends

what a sailor gets when things are held in

Shore ahead in distance speaks

calls to leave the wooden peaks

The mast holds square rigged cloth

folded down to come to a stop

Coast to contain all of the wants

but this sailors knows that you're all for not

Oceans

2011-01-30T00:27:00.002-05:00

One night with sweat on my brow

I dreamed of an ocean that barely held any water.

And I took a subconscious step into the knee deep sea,

wondering in vain in search of me.

For the pelagic depths were no longer there

and with each salty step I discovered more despair.

So I thought to myself, “Where had it gone?”

and pondered “if there was ever any ocean at all.”

For all these islands had sprung up in light of the subsidence,

and I waded to each, seeking answers in silence

I found the islands were sufficient for inhabitance,

and the beauty there was stunning beyond any comparison.

But I also noticed a resemblance in each tiny world

and if you took a step back you could see a continual void.

So I stumbled on through the watery scene

And walked for what seemed like months on top of weeks

My feet had grown ragged from the sharp edges of coral

But the salt water had fused the flesh back to each other

My throat had gone dry for there was no fresh water

And all of the islands had finally gone under

So I looked to the horizon for something new

But all that I saw was the blanket of blue

It seemed like it stretched for what I thought was forever

And I knew that I wouldn’t last in this sea of shallow

The sky suddenly darkened with large black clouds

The kind that usually pour water down

And I knew instantly what it would mean,

The torrential downpour would surely flood past my knees

I found it odd that I was looking for water,

that it was all around me and becoming a bother

I didn’t even remember how I had gotten to this place

Or even why I thought it would have been remotely safe

So I stood in the ocean letting it flood

Allowing the water to creep further and further up

I stopped walking onward and stood fast in one place,

Until all that could be seen were my head and my face

When I opened my eyes I could see under water

And all that I feared had been scared away by the thunder

I started to move my legs just to see,

If I still had motion in my watery knees

I could move and run and walk and talk

And what I had sought was there sure enough

All that it took was the passing of time

And a little patience in the ocean of what wasn’t mine

2010-07-22T00:37:00.002-04:00

Take Me Back To New York - written by Dan Forsberg and Chris Bergquist

Verses:
I guess I played it mediocre
but now I'm gone, not cause of who you were
I fought to try and erase time

Heavy lids, these eyes of shame
bloodshot rims, no sleep no gain. Now
foolish words from my foolish mouth.

It couldn't hurt to get away from
these southern hills, where everything's so plain
open skies, the thunder and the rain

Take the train, the bus, or plane
despite the ways, we'll never be the same
this love's on my fingertips

like the strings, my heart still sings
to resonate, a steel-stringed sillhouette
of six, separate paths to fret

a tight grip on the seat, a fresh page
where the ink will not seep
words will always pass the time

Chorus:
Take me back to New York
To the city lights, shining bright
as they were

Take me back to summer days
to freedom close, in this northern state
I've run away.

Bridge:
Hearts will mend
With Love unbroken
In lights and sounds
Of contrived motions When
Hearts will mend
With love unbroken
In lights and sounds
Of contrived motion again
Time. Will. End. And.

Take me back to New York
To the city lights, shining bright
as they were

Take me back to summer days
to freedom close, in this northern state
I've run away.

2010-07-08T20:00:00.002-04:00

I'm coming too close to the edge of the globe,
the sea is filled with rocks and sunken boats.
The ship is still stable but the crew gambles feats;
the price of the earnings might be a little too steep.
The sea is so churning with the emotions of few,
the albatross flies high seeking to confuse.
The bird will circle, causing chaos;
blinding the sailors with her nautical knowledge.
And all the while the sailors train their eyes towards the sky,
no longer watching the edge they defy.
But now a whirlpool forms ahead of the ship,
endangering the lives putting the crew at further risk.
You see the spiral down is the worst part,
not the drowning or the water swallowing your life.
The ocean can harbor dangerous things,
get too close to the edge even the biggest ship will sink.
And I will continue to sail this ship,
but steer clear of the whirlpool which hides my fate.
I'm coming too close to the edge of the globe,
the sea is filled with rocks and sunken boats.

2010-06-24T00:02:00.002-04:00

Rivers and borders and states separate
All across Dixie, these summers displaced

Knowing the distance isn’t that far but
When you miss what you don’t have
We might as well have been stars

You’ll whisper so close
but I’ll whisper so far
You’ll whisper so close
We might as well have been stars

These snow falls and mountains jutt from the crust
Two thousand miles of road, ice, and dust.
Through the summer heat of Georgia’s blue skies
To winter still living across colder miles
To winter still living all across colder miles.

But no poems or rhythms can duly make due
Cause no matter the distance I’m still far from you
As unfortunate as the miles between
I’ll still keep on holding to my foolish dreams
I’ll still keep on holding on to my foolish dreams

So I try my best to make it each day
For you are what’s keeping all my fears at bay
And even though we might never work out
Like ice in the west I’ll eventually thaw out.
Like ice in the west yeah I guess I’ll thaw out.

2010-06-16T23:21:00.000-04:00

This stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend lastnight about the downhill nature of the end of some relationships. Sometimes you just can't be friends afterwards, we just steal emotions. and then it then turned into something else haha

what if i told you i would wait as long as it took
the sun would set and the moon come up
a thousand times in repitition; a light on my afflicted condition

what if i told you that i felt this time delay
it always ends in one of two ways
love ignited, such a beautiful thing
or no longer friends but petty emotion thieves

it's always a risk to see where the path leads
but sometimes the end justifies the means
the future is uncertain, changing and moving
and you're still what gives me sleep deprevation
so i will wait as long as it takes
cause "love sees possibilities that do not currently exist"

2010-05-26T23:32:00.001-04:00

Getting tired

2010-05-12T01:33:00.001-04:00

I always, always do
mess love up when I talk to you

Oh it never fears
just to speak my mind
means losing friends

cause I get so restless
so I trade love for brightness
glow like the sun darlin
cause tomorrow it'll all be different

i can walk, i can walk
for a time alone
but I'll trip on my own feet
just to make sure I'm not alone

yeah you see, you see
i know all the signs
this restlessness is the end of me
love don't be the end of me

cause I get so restless
so I trade love for brightness
glow like the sun darlin
cause tomorrow it'll all be different

2010-04-05T19:54:00.002-04:00

This is it this is now, the time as come to become something real
we are just a small part of the bigger world
a clashing piece of real estate seeking some love
but it's all in vain, we are all so vain

yeah come crashing sound, hold on to what pulls us down
listen love, if it's what you seek let go of him, her and me
cause we're nothing but love wrapped in our own hell
we're not clinging to the love that doesn't fail
no lets make our own bed and forget what's real

grace can you save someone like me?
ignore the pretty petty love and grant sight to me
if I can't rid the attention placed
give me what you would have of me

close our eyes close our eyes
please don't be too far off
tell me if it's not this love, tell me if it's another
tell me so I won't become what I preached

2010-03-29T18:33:00.001-04:00

Father have You found me here
my arms no longer contain veiny fear.
I have nothing to bring but all that I am
take this heart and make it clean once again.

Build me up from the inside out
break down all the walls, remove the doubt
Take the pieces I can't separate from
Let Your spirit lead and whisper Your love

close my eyes to the things that I want
remind me Your love sustains everything and all
bless the times when I turn all away
let my storms magnify all Your glory
let the storms remind me that I'm only man

send me a sign, if only a piece (if only some peace)
silence the haunting hollow that is my shell
send me a love that edifies Your body
send me a love that echoes Your love
send me a love so I can share my soul

2010-03-14T12:49:00.002-04:00

I must say that I probably owe you an apology
but those two words won't let loose from my lips.
Can you riddle me this, if I'm the one causing you
all these troubles, then why do you insist we be friends?

I can't help but be sad
cause every bridge I meet, flames up and burns completely.
I only had good intentions
but the match was lit before we even assembled

listen if you're going to slam the gavel then give me due process
cause I'll tell you that I pleed the fifth.
So shoval the dirt into the hole
close the casket and head for the door.
And if I had a dime for everytime my words were misunderstood,
then I'd have enough money to leave and forget who you were

and I can't help but be sad
cause every bridge I meet, flames up and burns completely.
I only had good intentions
but the match was lit before we even assembled

she's my black tie, my black attire
I can't do anything right by her.
but can you riddle me this, if I'm the one causing you
all these troubles, then why do you insist we be friends?

spelling

2010-02-02T02:21:00.000-05:00

ah Baby you make me want to cry
walk to the bank, swim the shores
down to the river of pity and sighs

Ready to go off and forget this beach
no more water drowing these eyes
down to the river of pity and sighs

I need you to tell me the truth
were you ever going to care?
down the river I'll float on down

To many times have I created
allusions of grand and glorious things
I'll close my eyes and go to sleep

Take a walk to clear my mind
it's filled with words and nostalgic things
they say it never completely goes away

Another time I wish it would have been
a different person, a different heart and place
I'll walk the shores and burn all the time

Nothing ever is simple as it seems
the spirit of your love blows through the trees
the sand moves in perfect harmony

You never can have what won't do
I walk to find another you
the shore, the sand, the river
all are a part of a bigger dream

contradiction

2010-02-01T00:10:00.002-05:00

I bet it never crossed your mind that you drive me insane
it only crosses my mind one thousand times a day.
I'd forget you in a moments whisper, if only it was that easy
but a pretty face and a lovely soul simply cannot be erased.

I hate that you leave me alone, God you drive me crazy
but I'd love to see you leave me to dance all alone.
You're a breathe of air that chokes me to death
I am the candle and with a slowly decending wick

I'm burning out, I'm burning out..

Oh but it can be a new day! the sun wakes up the sleeper
Be careful then how you live, not as the unwise
but make most of every opportunity, live like you're about to die

I don't consider us the same, play devil's advocate and put me to shame
You just say it's still the okay, I'll try to figure it out by going insane.
Pass me on the street and look away, hide a smile and shy to the side
It doesn't matter though cause..

it can be a new day! the sun wakes up the sleeper
Be careful then how you live, not as the unwise
but make most of every opportunity, live like you're about to die

2010-01-30T22:03:00.001-05:00

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

2010-01-24T00:25:00.002-05:00

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you
For you
And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light

2010-01-19T13:13:00.001-05:00

I can feel it now, I'm on the verge of something else.
Build up inside, pressure mounting pushing love outside.
I feel like a swirling storm, tossed to and fro.
an open wind on one thousand seas collecting the discontentment of one thousand
sailors and their burdens of unease.
a fervant tide of ebb and flow, a slowly sinking ship, helm destroyed by
unumbered wars.
wars of attrition and wars of masochistic fights.
battles of anger, battles of hurt and pride.
the ground still being held by what constitutes right,
no understanding or even a hint of light.
time only tells what times allows
you only forget when you let it go

2010-01-18T15:09:00.003-05:00

It's funny how the things we do shape the things to come. How you can have no idea what someone is trying to convey through their experiences and you have no way to empathize with what they are saying until you experience something similar. It opens your eyes.

How you never understand a song until something happens in your life, then you suddenly understand what the artist is saying. You know exactly what they were feeling and the sense of happiness or pain or sorrow is felt in the same way.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

2010-01-14T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of being friends

Light and Dark

2010-01-11T18:44:00.001-05:00

I lost my way in the land of the lonely

I have no need for a bull from your pen

But I did not see what you were doing

You stained my face with a love that was resounding.

I saw a light that shone so very brightly

It became my slight so bright and blinding

And I was a tree with roots seeking fresh water

You were a stream in a garden of new beauty

I lost my way in the land of milk and honey

I wanted you more than I ever should have

I became enthralled with what I deemed worthy

You awoke me, You told me I was wrong

I make account for my sin, shame, and fever

I could not see the obsession overtaking me

What is the cost to become so accosted

I am a man with investments so cheap

I was afraid of the failure inside of my skin

the deep and dark beneath my bright and dim

I became angry, questioning Your every intention

You shot me down smoke trailing from my brain

You shot me down and put me in my place

I misread the weight of what became breath taking

I now believe in a specific beautiful plan

I can now see the rises and the falls,

I see where You have me so clearly

I can see why You put me in my place

2010-01-09T02:15:00.000-05:00

So close yet so far away
a caged bird sings everyday.
Masochistic it would seem
when I see you the harder I dream
Controlled chaos my heart falls to
lack of control is now entropy.

Breathe out to breathe you in
feel the same yet feel differently
I walk the road of chaos and bliss
you are the love I'd love to dismiss

Walked in on the edge of fall
left me with feelings of winter thaw
yearnings of another season
where difference is not disconcerting
though warmer days you still will remain

Understanding no price will provide
confidence containing pend up pride
no answers no reasons why
no matter the difference this bird will fly

2010-01-06T02:02:00.001-05:00

I feel like a crap writer sometimes.

true story..

ehhhhhhhhhhh

2009-12-27T01:36:00.003-05:00

I sometimes ponder lesser things, like if apathy really is the key.
Keys keep things bound that should stay locked, closed caskets
remain on top.
The world is a dream, disengaged from naivety to reality.
I can't see what's in front of me.

I wonder what you see in them, if love is a game, little terms of engagement.
Is it a war to be won, a trophy to display? Or do you just not want to be alone?
I hold onto what contains at least a little humanity, I can't participate in games.
Retrospect might show pride comes before the fall, ego then assumes the initial role
maybe that is the deal, a microscopic man among infinite beings.
A fatal flaw of a degenerate man.

I hear claims of hearts given to unequated lovers, shameful looks and pregnant belly's.
I see hands held and funerals planned.
Are you learning much walking together in the barren land?
Is it all a lesson to be learned, a playbook assembled by a tally at the end?
Mark it up as another win to a year that came and went
I'll continue to be honest and stay confused until the pieces fit.

Satisfaction

2009-12-11T02:37:00.001-05:00

"Be Satisfied with Me" by St. Anthony of Padua:

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says,
"No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

yeah

2009-11-30T23:51:00.001-05:00

running on empty notions that make me uneasy
i just want love unconditionally
lightening sparks, the grass, the fire could actually last
Wind blows leaving only ashes.

and I'm so tired but I can't sleep
running through the motions of
chaos and unease. I see trials
that seem to last you keep coming
back as a ghost from my past.

I never like feeling so tired I never like
wanting what I can't hold. And these are
words on a blank white screen, no longer
a metaphor of you and me.

You gave me what I asked, You sat me
down and simply reinforced that You
give and take what is supposed to last.

You whisper your promises and I can't
even look, I can't even comprehend the
magnitude of Your grace. I can't take
what I ask when all You do is give me
what I don't deserve.

Bless my eyes to finally see that what
You do is enough for me. Contain
this bleed and allow me to see that
all You do is enough for me..

ok

2009-11-15T13:24:00.003-05:00

These two are totally separate pieces of my work.

Structured integrity never took hold
you opened the door but wouldn't let me in.
I was the gentlemen that never got far
but close enough to make an assessment of
that I can't be any more scared than you are.

I never asked for much, or rather anything at all
like a bird in a trap I was snared, clipped, then let go.
Well I took a dive unable to save a fall, and you
were okay as long as gravity didn't pull you along.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
Of everything that you once said,
now negates the feelings you currently
place in my head.

It's sad to think how far this went.
Degenerate means we fallen farther
than intentions initially started and led.
I promise to make sure you make
me unsure of why we're so unsure.
You just do what you've been doing
open up then shut the door.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
I promise I'm not bitter or resentful in fact
God allows me to be better than that.
Well we'll take the leap and plunge headfirst
it'll still just be me and an unsuccessful launch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Along which lines do we really walk day by day?
Do we say what we mean and mean what we say?
Caught up in a battle of broken fellowship, has our
love become a war of attrition?

Battlefields strewn with the dead, casualties of our
own selfish ends. Infatuations of the lost and lonely
searching for the holy in the land of milk and honey.
We place our hands of the monetary, click our heels
and hope for something less dreary. Well we'll be all
alone in the darkened world, seal of death delivered
by what we hold to closely.

Walk through the flame with our heads held high,
aloft by the game that we continue to die by.
But we're not alone even if we think we are, infatuated
by what standards everyone else lives by.

I'll tell you the truth, I want you to know, you're
beautiful but you're nothing but an excuse to feel good.
And that's the problem with love today, we never say
what we mean and mean what we say...

2009-11-11T10:13:00.000-05:00

same old same old when's it going to end?
Cursed with a disease that never heals,
broken spirit reminds me that it's time that wins.
Well I'll tell you the truth, I'm a contender for
this, you tell me you love me and I'll tell you to quit

Records are broken every chance they get
cause I'm the first place loser without any real wins.
And I can still feel my heartbeat when I hold my breath
I guess I've never have been able to hold it enough.
Self pity is the first step of going insane, writing these words
makes it easier to complain.
But what you don't get is what I don't explain
and you'll makes excuses why things aren't the same.

I just want you to know that I've given up on
tying down all the loose ends. Truth be told it's
just you, my pride, and me, just like Andy said.
Pride does funny things to the mind, the heart,
and when it comes down to it, everything's
just in my head.

part two

2009-11-09T02:37:00.000-05:00

I shouldn't be mad, it's childish at best.
I muster up fear to justify pride, either way
pride will feed the beast inside.
I'll push it out, watch it leave, assert
what I really mean.

I'll talk it out, but you won't hear a word
I'll speak my mind to everyone but you.
Cause when it's said and done, breaking
a heart was never what I intended to do.

I do it everytime, masochism at it's very best.
If I open my mouth I should start digging my grave
cause I'll break things by getting in the way.
Yeah but I have faith, faith enough to see that
the road that I travel is perfectly fine for the likes of me.

gravel path is key for skinned knees, dreams are
made of the things you can't really see.
I'll build it up, but on some trust
have you break it just like everyone else before.

whatever whatever it's all the same, I'll go to sleep
and wake up the next day. Throw on some Conor
and life will go on, write some words that justify
the need.

whatever

2009-11-09T00:52:00.000-05:00

It wasn't long to come to pass
I thought wrong and blew a chance.
We talked it out and let it go
Now that I walked away I want you more.

And I can't stand this state of mind
I thought all I needed was a little time.
Well time can do funny things
cause now that time has passed
I want you even more.

And I don't understand many things
such as why you stopped liking me suddenly
Chalk it up to things unknown, like why we
act like we know someone.

If actions dictate a state of distress
this ships going down without much of a hit.
At least you stopped mid mark, without
hesitation you pulled all stops.

You mean everything to nobody, but me

2009-09-08T01:42:00.003-04:00

I haven't expressed myself in a while through this venue, so it's time to release some pend up words.

I've been struggling a lot with contentment lately, I always want more. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more in my life, I feel like I'm built for bigger and better things. I just want things to be simple sometimes. I want to run away with someone and just forget everything else. I think I have to get out of Carrollton, I really do. I need a serious girlfriend is what I need. I'm tired of my conscious telling me to be patient. I'm tired of waiting for doors to open where in all actuality, the door is probably a revolving one, and the initiator of the swinging door is just waiting for me to jump on board. Well I'm not a damn psychic so please tell me if that's the case. I am a fool if we're being honest here and I do not understand how this crap works half the time.

I've been feeling very nostalgic towards certain relationships as well. I understand that people undergo changes and whatnot during times apart, but I never thought it would be like this. I just hate investing myself in people and it be completely genuine for all parties involved then have it seemingly fall apart. I just can't handle all that. All of this is usually in my head, because I tend to overthink the majority of everything that I come across, but I am sick and tired of being the only one who tries. I have to have the assurance that our relationships are being held together from both ends.

Manchester Orchestra has been influencing my writing a lot lately. I wrote this hymn like song.

Oh wandering heart cannot stay still.
Fill me up to become empty again.
Like the stars shining up above
shine your light, give me your love.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Swallow my pride, choke my mind
give me the peace I desire inside.
Lord hear my cry, my plee of release.
Lord bring me up from my knees.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Mold my heart, make it yours
take away this empty hull.
Fetter grace my wandering heart
take away, leave only your thoughts

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

I'm usually not wrong

2009-08-06T00:07:00.002-04:00

I sometimes feel that things won't be the same when school starts back. I feel that friendships won't be the same and that scares me. I don't like change, but I guess people change and I just don't know if things will be as good as they were. It makes me feel sick. Tell me I'm wrong.

2009-07-12T21:26:00.001-04:00

Don't let the fear take control, you
have to swim before you can drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so just let go.

It's easy to do, to lose it all
all you have to do is forget
who you are. Remember to
breathe in and out, panic can
only take you further from where
you are.

Sometimes you have to forget
to remember where you at,
displacement is normal and so
is doubt (regret). Gravity can only
keep you down for so long, the valley
is always the bottom of the top.

Don't let the fear take control, you
have to get wet before you can swim
but you don't have to go deep to drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so take my hand
and let go.

a little honesty

2009-06-14T01:08:00.004-04:00

I feel like I need to get away. I am so restless and lacking contentment

PRIORITIES

God
My future

School
Relationships

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydacEnqStzw

its sooo late

2009-05-27T03:23:00.005-04:00

This heart of mine bleeds words and rhythms
much of which makes little sense.
Flowing from the black keys comes nonsensical
themes that even I hold to low expectations.
Much like the future ahead, plans scare me to
death and hold what I cannot see. Clarity of
my heart that I do not wear for sport is something
I desire the most. With clarity comes action and with
action, consequences and I think that scares me the most.
I want to believe that you and me can be the best thing there
ever was. But to see is to believe and my heart most assuredly
agrees that most of the time I tend to fail. My own actions are
useless and I pray with clenched fists that my prayers are not
short of sincerity. It's four in the morning and with each passing
second my eyes swell with tiredness. My fingers keep moving as my
brain keeps choosing the words in which I express myself.
I am alone with my breathing and the only thing consuming my
time is the thoughts that plague my mind. But is this all useless
since I know things will work out, even if my mind says otherwise.
I guess I should trust and obey for there is no other way, but to be
happy and happy I shall be..

...

2009-05-25T21:40:00.004-04:00

So it is May 25th and I am ridiculously bored.
School has been out for three weeks and I feel like I have nothing to do except sleep and go to work.
I am not content with that.
I think I will start fishing regularly since I have nothing really else to do.
I'm not going to lie, and this might sound slightly girlish, but I really miss my college friends. Especially Taylor and Whitney.
It is going to be a very long summer.
I haven't been able to write much either, at least anything that resembles any sort of fluidity.
I am lacking inspiration I suppose.

Eyes wide open

2009-05-14T23:39:00.003-04:00

Is it weird that I want to settle down already? I will be 20 this year, but I sincerely want to just settle down. I guess there are a lot of things that need to happen before I will be able to do that, like graduate college, have a good job, get married. [?] This may astound some people, but the settling part I want to the most is the comfort of that married relationship. I know what I'm looking for, I just have to find it. It is hard to find that person who meets my criteria. I have only met a couple, and one ended up being someone else other than who she said she was. We are not going to talk about that. I'm am just not a patient person, regardless of what my friends say. I hate waiting. Is it wrong to be so picky? Cause this is what I want.

Has to be a Christian. A practicing Christian who has a strong relationship with God and not just a shallow convenient Christian. I really want her to be someone I can look at and want to try and keep up with spiritually.
She has to like music at the same level as I do. I really love music, and it takes up a large portion of my life.
She has to care about the world around her. I'm more than likely going to be involved in some type of Public Service for the rest of my life and she has to care about things that are bigger than she or I.
She has to be real not fake. I see so many people putting out this facade to try and make it seem that they are something they aren't. I have a problem with shallow people.

I don't want to sound creepy, but I am always on the lookout for this. Like I said, I haven't met too many people who have met those criteria. I trust God will put someone there when He desires to. I know what I need. I want this to happen.

I have to keep the perspective that there is a difference between liking the idea of something and liking something. I see that so many times with relationships. People get into a relationship based on some petty attraction because they like the idea of having that relationship. It's like showing off a new toy. The really sad thing is that those relationships end, and one, two, three weeks later there is a new one in its place. It is sad. I'm at the point where I something solid. I am not saying I have been like that, cause I am strongly against petty "trophy" relationships. I have been for what seems like forever, a proponent of real relationships that mean something.

I feel like an old man sometimes. I just want to grow old with someone and laugh with them forever.

"If we are the Body, how'd the pretty man get so ugly. How did he get all the spaces between each limb?"

2009-05-08T11:56:00.004-04:00

I am really sad right now. I simply am at a loss. I just don't understand how people can act one way and then turn around and act another way. The hypocrisy makes me so sad. It breaks my heart. How can you say you are a Christian, then act in a way that absolutely shatters any recognition of Christ in you? How can you walk into a church, or the BCM for that matter and pretend that this relationship you claim to have is all good? On what level does your mind work at to try and justify your actions? How can you say you want the world to have what you have and still act this way? Do you even know what you have? How can you just not care? I am going to say this and maybe come to regret it, cause I have no way of knowing who reads this, but I feel like so many people at the BCM are totally hypocritical and fake. It is about an emotional high for them, a show. I actually don't feel like, I know. You walk in acting all "christiany" and then go get wasted. What goes through your mind? How do you justify it? Are you a convienent Christian? Do you only take from Christianity what is convienent for you? I do not understand the mentality. I truly do not.

This is not about one person, this is about a group. I am sad that it is like this. I think you should be called out. You guys think you're so cool. It makes me want to punch you in the face and remove that smug cockiness that you guys are so proud of. You think you are so much cooler than everyone else too. How can you act that way? It makes me want to have nothing to do with you anymore. Stupid, you are so stupid. Act the way you should or don't ever say you're a
Christian. I hate it, You are what is wrong with Christianity. You don't want to change either, and you probably won't. I just can't stand it.

It breaks my heart. I will try to pray for you, but it makes me really mad.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else was.

You see, you don't really. You can't
possibly see if you sleep with your
eyes closed. Is it easier when you
push until it closes all in? Masochistic
is what it is.

You owe me nothing, but it would
have been considerate considering
you claim to be my friend. Do you
really not understand that point of
view? What is a friend who doesn't
care? I can't wrap my head around
you.

Continue to negate the feeling of pain
and I'll continue to do that same.
Maybe that's the deal you're afraid
to show, but why did you change from
where you were? I don't understand
why you continue on like this, its the
lack of Christ that makes it this hard.

acronym with explitives

2009-05-03T01:04:00.000-04:00

I would like to start off by saying that I write these blogs for no one. This is for myself, it is therapeutic for me. It is why I am minoring in Creative Writing. If you think otherwise, it is because you are a creeper. Yes, creeper. So don't ever complain about what I write. I do not usually advertise this. You, creeper you.

That tree withers, the roots have turned to dust.
You claim you're fine but your eyes say otherwise.
You have to let it go, no one ever drowns alone.

The sea is churning oh so hard. The waves of
this life will carry you down. You're in the water
you won't stay afloat. I'm telling you that no one
ever drowns alone.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else is too.

I have always been told pride comes before
the fall. But evidently so does hypocrisy, but
that tops it all. You are right to say you owe
me nothing, but it would have been considerate
to explain a few things. I'd like to say I'm not mad,
but that would be a lie. It just makes me feel like crap
cause I thought we were closer than that.
Yeah, evidently I was wrong.

Made Too Pretty

2009-04-20T23:47:00.004-04:00

Every once is a while you come across a song that makes you stop and think about your own self. Where you are as a human being. I listen to a lot of music, I personally own over 600 cd's. Even though I listen to a lot of music, no song has stirred up emotions like this song. I am going to break it down.

The song is called "Made Too Pretty" by As Cities Burn. The song is about human nature and how we see ourselves as our own god, how we see ourselves as someone who is not really in need of anything higher because we have it all together. The song supposes that we were made "too pretty" and because of that we have become to enthralled in our beauty.

The first line starts out, "We bear Your name and You let us say you are something that you’re not. As if You were made after we saw our own faces and knew we were gods, enough." The first part talks about how Christians misrepresent Christ sometimes, turning Him into something convenient for us. We act like we were here first and God was made in our image instead of the other way around. We fall into this trap where we think we are "gods enough" to handle things ourselves.

The song goes on to say, "I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare we cannot break. We know nothing changes too slowly. Someday we might come down, but who’s to really say." This line holds the theme of the song, that we were made "too pretty" and because we have that mentality, "we are caught up in a stare we cannot break", meaning that we focus on ourselves, so involved with ourselves. "Someday we might come down, but who's to really say" illustrates that we know what we are doing, but chose to think we are above it all.

"And if we are the Body how’d the pretty man get so ugly, how’d he get all these spaces between each limb. And if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead."
This is my favorite line of the song. It raises the question on how if we are the "Body" made in Christ's image, how'd we get so ugly and defile something that is beautiful. The question is obviously rhetoric. The "spaces" represent our godlike view of ourselves, and the "limb" is referring to the Body. It also makes us aware of how our ego's create a distance between God and us. " if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead"

"I think we became too petty. We... We... We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need."
We have become to petty, the pettiness is shown by how we rely on our own things, the stupid petty things that makes us feel like we are the god of our lives. The pettiness has become so entrenched, we have gotten to a state where we don't want a God who doesn't give us want we want, what makes us feel good all the time. We don't want to see that we are in need.

That is pretty much the song. I love it. Listen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v4_TCER8rE

"Made Too Pretty" - As Cities Burn

"We bear Your name and You let us say you are something that you’re not. As if You were made after we saw our own faces and knew we were gods, enough. I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare we cannot break. We know nothing changes too slowly. Someday we might come down, but who’s to really say. And if we are the Body how’d the pretty man get so ugly, how’d he get all these spaces between each limb. And if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead. Cause I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare and we can’t break. We know nothing changes too slowly. And someday I might come down, oh, I don’t wanna come down. I think we became too petty. We... We... We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare and we can’t break. I think we were made too pretty, yeah... so much that we don’t see it, we don’t see it... We know nothing changes too slowly." -

You make me tired

2009-04-18T00:25:00.003-04:00

Man, my life is nothing. The things I worry about, the things I want and desire are nothing. I am so petty sometimes. The things surrounding me are not about me, nor should they be. Life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

You dig your own grave, you better be prepared to sleep in it. You can't help those who do not want help, and I am inclined to think that help is not wanted. I guess I won't and neither will anyone else. We tried, and no matter how it is spun, it all boils down to the fact that the emotionally unstable can't handle accountability. I do not want to mess with pettiness anymore and it will, I promise, cause a distance between you and everyone who actually cares for your well being. I hope you find the truth one day. If you let us, we can help..

You make me and everyone else tired. You make prayer difficult

Hope dangles on a string

2009-04-13T20:50:00.002-04:00

I feel very restless. I do not like keeping quiet. I want to shout out loud. I'm usually a man of actions, but I now have to be a man of patience. There are things I would like to say and do, but I am leaning on God, trusting in His will. It gets really hard sometimes. But I have hope. You give me hope. I need hope. I am trusting God.

"You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth"
- Relient k

good to go

2009-04-12T00:41:00.004-04:00

I have had the urge to get a tattoo really badly. I want to get some kind of heart on my right arm. It would represent me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I thought it would be cool. But it probably won't happen..

So the other day at the Bcm some of the seniors were giving us a rundown of their walk through college. One of them talked about how God will take things away sometimes, and it can really just break you, and you really just have to look for the beauty in the brokenness. It got me thinking, so I wrote this. I'll probably tinker with it some more. Feedback would be appreciated..

There's an unbelievable chaos dancing in your mind
Your heart is torn to pieces, you question where and why
No matter where you're going, it's always raining inside
Is the brokenness a distraction that barely keeps you alive?

There is beauty in the brokenness, where there is
pain in the doubt. Sometimes being on the ground
is the only way to pick yourself up. The only other
place you can ever look is up. The fallen can become
the risen if you choose to let it go.

There is a hand reaching down from the clouded sky
above. Offering freedom from the world of broken
beating hearts. Grab the hand and He will pull you up.
He makes beauty from the brokenness and erases pain
and doubt. Then the love you seek will find you out.

The patches are growing thin over your hardened heart.
The older you get, the easier it is to forget where you should be.
You curse your luck in futility but luck is not what its
been about. You burn your own bridges and you hate
yourself for that. All the bitter songs can't fix it, they
add layers to the doubt.

Your mind games comprise the skepticism in your heart.
Every time you close your eyes the flash of pain paralyzes
your life. The point reached sometimes adds too much.
You can't hold on forever, just let it go.

champion of idiots

2009-04-09T23:09:00.002-04:00

I am selfish.

I am the champion of idiots.

I feel stupid sometimes.

I think too much.

I do not trust God like I should.

It makes me feel guilty.

It's going to change.

It's not about me.

I am sorry.

"There's a film on the wall,
makes the people look small
who are sitting beside it
all consumed in the drama.
They must return to their lives
once the hero has died
they will drive to the office
stopping somewhere for coffee
where the folk singers, poets, and playwrights convene
dispensing their wisdom,
oh dear amateur orators.
they will detail their pain
in some standard refrain
that will recite their sadness
like it's some kind of contest.
Well if it is,
I think I am winning it,
all beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap
the gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck;
cause I am deserving it--
the champion of idiots."

Things I do not understand

2009-04-08T21:02:00.007-04:00

I do not ask for much. I only try to give what is required. I tried to be a good friend. I pray for you daily. You now do your best to block me out. I do not understand why. Things went from outstandingly glorious to nothing. I try really hard. I do not understand how it went from talking everyday for a couple of hours to nothing but a casual hello. It's been like night and day. I do not even get that now. I would understand if it was in my head, but I was not the instigator of the initial friendship. Far as I know, it was never intended to be anything but that. On both sides. You seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I misread your happiness, maybe you are scared of mine. How did I go from the "nicest" to nothing?

What did I do? What did I not do? What are you afraid of? I never asked for anything. I tried be encouraging. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I understood you. It has been like a light was switched off. That sudden.

What did I do to scare you away? You have become the dark circles around my eyes. You are very cold towards me and I can't figure it out.

I did not want this to be this way. I guess you do now.

Then again, some things are not meant to be understood

It is the fear of being buried that makes you afraid to speak. Conor wrote that rhetorically.

I own several shovels.

I will pray for you.

I write these things because it is easier to type than say. I always feel better once I write it down.

From End to End - Relient k
excuse me, but i've got a request
could you take the gag off of my mouth
i admit that i'm fairly impressed
cause you're the best at blocking me out

i believe that we weren't quite done
i know it's hard to hear me out again
i realize, you're not the only one
who's terrified of life from end to end

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
i'm feeling unwanted, that's not what i wanted
and attention to me is something you refuse to pay

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

excuse me, but isn't this the way
that things always turn into something good
you've tried to ignore the things i say
but in the end you found you never could

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
you search for the short-cut, you live life but for what
i love you and hope you will find the truth some day

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to get you on my good side again

and tell me what will it take
to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to forget what you knew
just let Him find you
and then you'll see things through from end to end

sigh..

2009-04-07T00:34:00.001-04:00

I sometimes get really tired of trying to make things work.

Patience is a virtue

I like words

2009-04-05T23:59:00.003-04:00

Soo..

I have to choose what classes I want to take next semester. I do not know what I want to take yet. I fear it's going to keep me up far longer than it should.

This morning I heard my Pastor say something about you never see anyone "living in a graveyard." As in the only people that go to graveyards are living. So that got me thinking, and I wrote this:

All around the dead lie and do they speak to you?
What secrets do they whisper as you participate
in their doom. Silence tells no secrets, only past
regrets and fear. You only hide in these shadows to
justify your fear.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

The cover is blown and what do you say to that?
Your attempt to live amongst the silent headstones
has faded to the black. Can you not see those around
you trying to shine a light? The spider-webs of past
regret hold only dust and died flies. You can only stay as
dead as the ones who brought you down.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

Do you find comfort in the shadows, does the silence
help you along? Do the headstones somber soliloquies
boast enough wisdom to keep you strong? The days
among the dead should be kept shorter for your own sake.
Pretty soon your own headstone will be your final resting place.
Stop living in the shadows, stop living in the doubt.
Stop living in the shadows, and let the headstone go.

Basically it's about how some people act like they live in a graveyard, where no one else lives. They find comfort in the shadows I guess. I take comfort in mine sometimes..

No one comments on these things. I guess no one reads them.. who knows.

fear and faith

2009-04-04T23:33:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking about fear lately. You see fear is a funny thing. It can be a crippler, or a motivator. Fear can cause us to run and hide, can bind our tongues, can get our knees knocking..

I do not like to take risks. When I do take risks, they are calculated risks. Even then I would rather not risk anything.

What is there to be afraid of though? You see I think we fall into the trap where we get comfortable in our fear. It is safer to hide amongst the fear than to step out of the shadows and embrace the unknown. I'm not going to lie, I like to feel safe. I need my safety net, and I can easily convince myself that it is justifiable to let the fear of whatever guide me to a safer environment.

But..

When you get to a place where you let absolutely nothing in, or words go unsaid; you need to question where you are at.

I have come to the conclusion that fear is the lack of faith. When we simply just believe that God has us no matter what, we can step out of the proverbial shadows of fear and a new light can shine. It is easier said than done, just believing is hard sometimes. It takes prayer, and I pray that I can step over the confines of fear.

So the moral of this lesson is to not let ourselves get too comfortable in our fear. It can ruin us. It can ruin lots of things..
Don't worry about others.. God's got you and that is all that matters. Everything else is simply trivial..

I want to start skating again..

Amazing Because It Is - The Almost

"I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
see
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that lets it drive
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)
How sweet the sound (how sweet)
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)
I once was lost
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see"

You don't?

2009-03-31T23:02:00.002-04:00

I want to scream really really loud. I am so frustrated and I can't do anything about it. I am so tired. I am always either up or down. I feel bad about complaining, this is just life.

I am praying harder and more fervently than ever before. I feel so drained.

I'm not sure if I want to continue majoring in Political Science. I have been thinking about Journalism. I have been told that I write quite magnificently by different Professors, but when I write, it is more therapeutic for me. I have to express myself or I feel that I will blow up. I need to release the pressure somehow.

It's hard keeping the faith sometimes, I need to always remember that is not about me. Or you for that matter.

I think I treat you far better than you treat me.

Patience is a virtue.

God gives the best to those who leave it up to him..

Talk to me

Don't be this way

I feel like I'm chasing a big fish and in a small boat. All the other fisherman have bigger boats and are going to catch the fish because they're big and have stuff going for them.

Makes me feel small. Makes me feel like my prayers are not good enough. I am not patient and it kills me to be. It feels like it's eating me alive.

She asked me if I was depressed, I replied
"I just don't know where I'm at"
I turn the channels but they're all blank
The fuzzy black/white holds no comfort
only fake snow. Even that makes me feel cold

I strum the notes up and down
syncing rhythmically with me beating heart
If I stopped strumming would my heart no
longer beat? Would it just cave in?

If I chase the light to the very end
would it finally fade to black?

I'm back

2009-03-21T01:44:00.001-04:00

I Guess This Song Makes Me a Chronic Liar

Ok I lied, I am terrified, I can't see past my own hands
But that doesn't mean you have to tell everyone.
Apathy is an easier route to take

Whats there to be scared of? Life is easier at 19
Left or right, it seems that I'm either up or down
It's not depression I just don't know where I'm at

I'm not gonna lie this time, you confuse me more than anyone
I can only guess so much, you have to say the rest.
I pray for no more roller coaster rides, but its out of my hands

I guess I'll contend with displacement or get an aptitude test
But I lied a second time, Apathy is not the easier route
If that was the case I wouldn't have written this down.

The easier route is to laugh and nod, pretend nothing is wrong
Make a joke, crack a smile and let my eyes tell a convincing lie
What you don't know won't hurt, at least on your end.
I guess I'm just scared of you. Or maybe I'm the skeptic

words

2009-03-17T23:50:00.004-04:00

I don't have any angry music. It's ironic that all I own is mellow. I need to write, but I have nothing important to say. I feel that I have tension built up with no way to release it. It's like needing to release air from your lungs but not being able to. Maybe it's pent up aggression, or maybe it is the lack of sleep. I haven't gone to bed before 2 am since December. Mostly my fault.

work in progress

Words

What are words but lose of control?
Repeated letters that express how we feel.
The epitomized emotions of runaway fear
Captivating verbatim that captivates a few
A roundhouse kick to the expressively rich
The downfall to those who speak to much

What are words but spoken emotions?
The breakdown of barriers that divide us all
A culmination of the wind and the sun
The tearful goodbye or the yellow bird.

a giant metaphor

2009-03-16T23:13:00.004-04:00

I always play the sad notes.
I want the sun to shine again
These cold days are too long
I wouldn't understand if the
sun didn't come out

Its light outside but the
sun doesn't seem to shine
I'm looking for a metaphor
in a darkened sky but all I
see is blue

I have sung this song before
though It always skips my part
I have wondered if the
record player is broken
or is the needle dead?
How can something so
small effect the way I react?

The melody seems right but
I can only hear parts.

Whats the use in an investment
with no return? Happiness is an
experience I haven't pocketed yet.
Have my wings been clipped? A cage
is a prison no matter how you spin it.

You are the song I've tried to
write but now that the words
are penned I feel you
won't hear them.
Hows that for a metaphor?

my prayer

2009-03-13T01:20:00.002-04:00

Philippians 4:6-9

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you".

sigh..

2009-03-11T22:58:00.002-04:00

I feel sick, and I dislike this feeling. Its like there is a hole in my heart, a bottomless pit that consumes me entirely. It physically makes me sick. I need for spring break to hurry up and come before this feelings takes over me. I need to get away.

Sometime I wish I didn't know anybody. I sometimes wish it was just me so I wouldn't have to deal with anybody else. I wouldn't have to second guess anybody's feelings, I wouldn't have to try to be anything.

I am afraid of being alone. I don't want to end up alone. I'm scared that will happen.

Do you want to know the truth about me? I hide behind my sarcasm and wittiness so I won't get hurt.

I don't want to end up alone..

Truth is a scary thing

hmm.. Yellow bird?

2009-03-06T00:44:00.004-05:00

So I am pretty lethargic about now. Who needs sleep anyways? and that was rhetorical..

I hate having a thousand words in my heart, but not be able to let a single one loose. I think it could quite possibly be the worst feeling. Hakuna Matata?

Elevate has been especially amazing the last few weeks. We have been talking about prayer and how it should be. Or rather how we should pray.. Last night's message was awesome in the fact that it was a kick in my face, and I really really really needed to hear it. There were several key verses spoken on, but the three that stuck out to me were Matthew 7:7/8, Luke 22:42, and Romans 12:12.

Matthew 7:7/8 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened".

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done".

Romans 12:12 - "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".

I overthink and worry about the outcome of events in my life that "I" want to see happen. God just really convicted me with those three verses telling me that I should ask and it will be given to me, but I should seek him. Also that I should always trust that His will be done, and even if what "I" want doesn't happen, be patient in the affliction because He will provide what I need. I get so tired of things not going the way I want them to go, but I need to keep the mindset that it's the way God has it, so it's fine.

I pray that God will open doors when I seek Him first, because I don't know if I would understand if they didn't open. But that is for another time..

I also was convicted that I need to spend more time in prayer, praying for people.. Lets not be selfish

Work in progress.. I wrote in a few minutes..I kinda like it

You don't have to shed a tear
but if your well overflows I
will be right here. If you need
a shoulder to give it all up on
I will be right here

You don't have to shed a tear
but now the river is flooded
I will try to make it all better
where is that smile that lightens
up the room? I will bring it out
with a laugh or two.

sleepy thoughts

2009-03-04T01:48:00.001-05:00

I can't invest in something that I'm not sure that I can get a return on.

I have to know..

something witty..

2009-02-18T01:28:00.003-05:00

Been writing some lately. We'll see how this ends up. Discovered some new awesome music through my new musical master Shelby. Conor Oberst, Azure Ray, Fleet Foxes, The Everybodyfields, Kevin Devine, Manchester Orchestra.. just too name a few. Thanks Shelby!

Written in Lead

There is a hole in my chest oozing out ink
A hollow divide that keeps me awake
Sleepless nights and run away dreams
Never fill these pages with quite enough ink

The words echo in my brain
Reverberating silence that reflects the pain
A constant reminder of the spiritual mark
that becomes the elusive target of choice

There is a hole in my chest oozing out ink
Writing down all the mistakes that I've made
I dream of the day when my mind forgets
The past mistakes that keep me awake

The mistakes you make are easily forgotten
As long as you don't write them in ink
And the funny thing is this is written
in lead. so it can be all erased away.

work in progress..

New day erupts from the fresh air
and the words I say aren't the
ones I desire out of my mouth
It's easy to picture, easy to dream
But harder to say when you're next to me

The awkward silence can signal two things
Complete infatuation or a wish to steal away

I wanna wear my heart on my sleeve

2009-01-11T01:13:00.003-05:00

It has been a while since I lasted typed my thoughts for the public eye. Since my last vernacular suicide, I started college and finished a semester. It was really nothing special. Truthfully it has been a difficult few months with the exception of Christmas break.

People change when they experience the blissful yet terrifying first months of college. It is an entirely different atmosphere and people lose themselves in their new surroundings. People in general have always been a disappointment to me, always falling when I thought they were stronger. The only difference between me and those people, I swear I see myself falling and try to equate for it by preparing myself for it. Blame it on prophecy. Others just throw things in front of them to break the fall. Like hearts and other breakable essential things that can potentially damage the way friendships are viewed. I am just not a terribly big fan of pettiness. I actually hate it, and when something petty messes something up for me it makes me quite angry and leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Forever.

I am beginning to think my spiritual gift of prophecy is a curse not a gift. I hate how clear I see things and how I can't seem to make people see the clarity. But it is actually my lack of love. I need to be more loving. It is hard to love people who screw you over though.

I think I am going to ask a girl out. I see her around and the small conversations that I have had with her left the unequivocal feeling that I should try to whisk her off her feet.

This has been very random sorry.

This song is me 100%

Awful Direction by The Almost

Life has given me the, me the creeps
I need you to make, to make, to make me weak
I have made my world my own, I've made it my own
And I have never been so alone

I can't stop my brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours

I'm planning this out
to be all about me
I, I am wrong can you help me?

I can't stop this brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop these hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours

I've got to let go of all of this
'cause I'm dragging me down, down

I can't stop my brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours

tears are for babies. and sad movies

2008-09-01T22:52:00.002-04:00

So I have been trying to write again. I've never really been happy with what I had written previously, but I ended up putting music to something I wrote at about 3 last night, and I think it's pretty good. It flowed well to me, and it's how i feel. its basically about how i second guess everything, and how I feel guilty for not trusting that God's will will be done. I play it in capo 8 out of C. and it's 6/8.

A tear, one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
This, this tragic scene, plays in my mind, and makes me feel ill.
all sick and hopeless inside. I, I just can't believe, that my heart and
my dreams come crashing down.

A tear, yes one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
This, boils up inside, creeping and itching deep in my soul, trying to
make sense of it all. I, I just can't believe, that my heart has
fallen to the ground.

A tear, one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
I, I hoped you would see, play along and make you believe.
That I, I have waited all my life, for the chance, to aline myself
with the one. And I, thought you were it, prayed so hard that it,
caused me to wish, that you, you'd feel the same way, and be that
half that would complete me one day.

This tear, this one single, has caused me to worry and fret everyday.
But You, yes God You, You tell me that everything will be ok. And with
that, I know that I can, continue hoping for the best. Because I, I like you
and I won't stop until you like me too. And I, I think, this is all what God
planned, and my faith will place me in His hand.

This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down
This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down
This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down

A Tear, one single tear, cause I know and I think it's unfair.
But You, You remind me that You, died for me, and that is
all that I need.

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

2008-08-11T23:59:00.003-04:00

So I find myself again at a precarious chapter in life. Not really precarious, I just wanted to use that word. I'm just extremely ready to begin a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I can fondly remember as my golden years. There are so many things that I'm having to trust God completely in, and I'm having such a hard time keeping up that amount of faith. My own well wishes are dictating my already complicated thought pattern, sometimes completely replacing my faith with bitterness and thoughts of impatience. It is so hard to want something, and have it look so good, and having to keep up the mindset that it might not be what God wants for me. It is crazy hard to continue trusting that God's will will be done, even if it doesn't coincide with what I want. It's hard to have a glance of what I have waited on, then continue waiting because God wants me to be patient. Patience is a virtue that kills me. I type all of this to say that this is a part of where I want my next chapter to go, but the patience of it tiring.

Oh and I'm tired of hearing how hard college is going to be. It's not as helpful as everyone thinks.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"

new day

2008-08-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

Glorious song by the Robbie Seay Band. It's called New Day

www.myspace.com/robbieseayband

I'm gonna sing this song
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you're like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down
Let the world keep spinning ‘round
For yesterday's gone and today is waiting on you to show your face

It might not be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like
A beautiful sunrise
But it's a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day

I’m a pilgrim soul
I've traveled far and come back home
This land is hard and cold
For those who long to love
And I know it might seem
That the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 am
And we're still alive

It’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I'm back again
The clouds that roll by
Crossing moonlight
Me and you love – everything's alright
Standing in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we're spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day
For the rest of your life
Me and you love – everything’s gonna be alright

And it just might be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
It’s a new day
Oh baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside
To see a beautiful sunrise
It’s a new day

well with soul

2008-07-21T23:36:00.002-04:00

1 Corinthians 13:2 - "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

I came across this verse accidentally the other day, and it was a kick in the face. I've been praying lately about trying to show more love, and I truly feel that I'm not being the Christian I need to be by not showing enough love. My main spiritual gift is prophecy, and sometimes I do feel like I understand certain things better, and that I have a stronger faith about things. I often get angry with other Christians not showing a lot of faith, and I think it's because of my my gift. I don't understand why someone could have such little faith about something. God has been convicting me about me showing love, and this verse validated my convictions about it. I don't want to be "nothing", and I want to be the light that Jesus calls me to be. I can't shine when I can't even show the Love that Jesus himself shows. So, I'm going to try and earnestly show love. It's going to be hard, cause people who know me, know that I'm not a very loving person. God wills it..

Well With Soul - Ruth

All is well
with my soul, with my soul
and all is well
with my soul, with my soul

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what our made of
and you give me...
I wanna love everyone love everyone,
I wanna show them what our made of
and you give me peace

all is well
with my soul, with my soul
and all is well
with my soul, with my soul

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what your made of
you give me...
I wanna love everyone,
I wanna show them
what our made of
and you, you me.

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what your made Love
your in my heart
your in my heart
and you give me peace.

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them
what your made of.
and you

I wanna love everyone
and I wanna show them
what your made of
love
your in my heart
your in my heart
you give me peace

sigh

2008-07-12T23:40:00.000-04:00

This week has been really hard. I'm now at a place in my life where I do not want to continue growing up, and the fear of having to is breaking me. It's like I just can't breath. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle things to come, and even now I hate having to deal with things that have corrupted the hearts and minds of friends. I wish more than anything in the world, that I could hold on to innocence, and never let it go. I'm so glad that I have God here to hold me up. I don't know what I'd do otherwise.

Amazing, Because It Is - The Almost

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
See
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

sweetness

2008-06-27T23:42:00.000-04:00

So this week has been amazing. For those who did not know, I have been at my youth camp learning and growing.

Now truthfully, after Monday night I was not impressed at all with the way camp was going, spiritually speaking. It did not feel special, or leave any kind of awesome reverberating spiritual earmark on my heart. Then Tuesday night happened....

Now if you can read through the lines on some of my previous blogs, you can see I have been struggling with my patience regarding dating issues. I have always had this mindset that patience is virtue, especially when it comes to giving your heart out, but I had been slowly loosing this virtue that was so very important to me, and i knew if i had continued down that road, i would have wounded up broken, bitter, and hurt. At least more cynical then i am now.

The main part of the message that I held on to, was about two cups. The passages were John 19: 28- ? and Psalms 51. read 'em some time. or ask me about them

Drink # 1 equates to some form of hedonism. Basically you want whatever now, despite the possible repercussions.
Drink # 2 equates to being patient even if the pain of the patience, or the event that whatever the situation is, will break you.

this is from my journal page out of the camp notebook. i wrote this Tuesday night after the service.

"I want and long for the second cup, and i want more than anything for that patience to pay off resulting in what I ultimately want. My only real problem is that i'm constantly second guessing my patience, thinking that i may miss my warning sign. This constant Jekyll/Hyde personality is tearing my heart apart, separating my mind and causing fragments of misguided thoughts to effect my actual judgment. I get to this point where the thought of waiting for the "one" any longer, kills my soul. The world around me, no matter how much i don't want to admit it, effects my thought pattern, and gives fuel to my impatience. The best quotes ever is: "God always gives the best to those who leave it up to him." Once this train of thought took seed in my heart, the first became totally obsolete, giving me the mindset that i need, to always maintain my sight on the second cup. When you think about it, it would be so much better to be unhappy in the will of God(second cup), then happy outside of His will(first cup). He gives and takes away, so the ultimate mindset that i need to adopt, is that everything will work out to God's plan, and no matter how much it might kill me, it will be alright. This message was the first part of my warning sign, and i know whatever the outcome is, it will be fine."

Basically God slapped me in the face, reminding me that I should hold on to the second cup no matter what, cause He's taken care of me. I was starting to lose that mentality, and i'm so glad that it was presented through that message. The two cups does not necessarily have to be about dating, but that was what i took from it.

I also figured out why i like the character Mr. Darcy so much. He was a second cup man..

I sincerely think i've gotten a glance at the "second cup", but I'm just gonna let God take care of it.. that will be the remaining bit of my warning sign

rant

2008-06-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

sometimes in life you just feel out. you're so tired of crap and the only thing you can do is roll with it. see my problem is that I've always had a hard time putting up with anything. I can't roll over, I have to go out with a fight. I will let you know what I think about the situation even if it means that I'm gonna get canned for it. That's probably why i'm gonna go to Law School. Days like this one just suck. You come home, and you just want more than a noisy house and ramen noodles. I just wish people wouldn't make big deals out of nothing. I just hate complicated. I think that's why I haven't wanted a girlfriend. I just haven't found anyone that is laid back enough, or isn't petty. I need a relationship that can help make me a better person. I think i've found her, but I'm waiting for the warning sign. Love is so complicated and people just don't see it for what it is anymore. It's whats happening to this country. We no longer have people in office that will stand for the Constitution. It pisses me off more than anything to see the Constitution used for personal political gain. It just kills me that gays can sue churches for telling them no. Our stupid judges have NO problem making sure there is a separation of church and state, then go and rule in favor of the gay citizens when the church that has been separated from state( read one line up) tells them they won't do a ceremony, or allow them to use their property. The church has a constitutional right to tell the person no. It's like I have a constitutional right to disagree with the government. Who cares if the person thinks it's unfair. The point is, our religious freedoms are being thrown out the window because liberal politicians break their own rules and stick their dirty hands in the privatized church's cookie jar. Remember who separated the church from the state?

growing up and warning signs

2008-06-15T00:47:00.000-04:00

It has certainly been awhile since my last nonsensical rant, and a lot of things have changed since the departure of my last non quintessential quintessential blog. I have been slowly forced to grow up in this time, and although I've always embraced my inner child that makes up my serious joking mannerisms, I have come to except the undertaking of my coming adulthood. yeah that was a mouthful, I know.. Who I'm I kidding? Seriously joking is the best ever.. Throws everyone off.

I've had several inquiries about my Facebook status, so I guess I will go ahead and lay most of it down. The whole "Warning Sign" is a song by the band Coldplay, and it is there to remind myself that I have to be patient on certain issues that are requiring me to trust God explicitly. So, I'm just waiting on that warning sign. I have always had problems in situations like these, because of not trusting God. So I have to trust him no matter what, and wait for my warning sign. I will keep that status until this is over.

Coldplay - Warning Sign

http://www.imeem.com/yanamichiyo/music/kFhiCl4q/coldplay_warning_sign/

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

who's the punk now?

2008-02-12T21:15:00.000-05:00

By Ryan Sorba

7:05pm Monday, Feb 11
I have been deeply disappointed to hear even friends of mine mention that simply because Barack Hussein Obama Jr. is clean cut and speaks well that he would make a good U.S. President. But when asked about what Obama stands for, most who lend him credence can give no answer. Apparently, for far too many, all it takes to qualify for the presidency are public speaking skills, never mind accomplishments or experience. And while we are on the subject of accomplishments, let me list a few personal, social, fiscal, and foreign policy measures that Barack Hussein Obama Jr. backs.

Socially, Barack Hussein Obama voted against filtering pornography on elementary school library computers, he voted for “sex education” for kindergarten children, and in 2001, Barack Hussein Obama voted “present” on a bill to keep pornographic book stores, video stores, and strip clubs from setting up within 1,000 feet of schools and churches. For some reason, the man apparently has no problem with ramming perversion in the face of school children and church goers.

In addition to his practical perversion, Barack Hussein Obama has voted against bills prohibiting the tax funding of abortions twice. Apparently, he wants you to pay for the murder of innocent children. In 2001, Barack Hussein Obama voted “present” on a bill which would notify parents when their minor children seek an abortion. In 2003, as chairman of the next Senate Committee to which the Alive Infants Protection Act was sent, Barack Hussein Obama prevented it from even getting a hearing. All that BAIPA stated, by the way, was that live-born babies are guaranteed the same constitutional right to equal protection under law as all other human beings, whether or not they are wanted. Essentially, Barack Hussein Obama voted to allow newborns to be killed by woman who just don’t feel like signing papers so that their living babies can be adopted. Apparently, Barack Hussein Obama’s wife, Michelle, is even worse. In February 2004, she sent out a fundraising letter, which actually stated her concern over the rise of conservatism in the Country, and that partial-birth abortion was a legitimate medical procedure that should be protected. Barack Hussein Obama also voted against a cloning ban in 2000 and touts the fact that he is an advocate of so-called “homosexual marriages.”

As far as foreign policy in concerned, Barack Hussein Obama might as well be on the side of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Obviously, Barack Hussein Obama’s has a Muslim name. Less obviously, his father is a devout Muslim and has four wives in Africa. Obama's picture is currently displayed on the page BANNER of Project Islamic H.O.P.E. which follows the teachings of the “Holy Quran” and the example of “Prophet Muhammad.” Project Islamic H.O.P.E. supports and follows the leadership of Imam W. Deen Mohammed, one of the world’s foremost Islamic leaders. Hussein Obama’s “Black Power Pastor Wright” supports Louis Farrakhan, and in 1984 traveled with him to visit the anti-semite Col. Muammar al-Gadaffi, an archenemy of Israel and America and a firm supporter of terror groups. Obama’s own pastor has also been a severe critic of Israel. In his own pastors words: “The Israelis have illegally occupied Palestinian territories for almost 40 years now. It took a divestment campaign to wake the business community up concerning the South Africa issue. Divestment has now hit the table again as a strategy to wake the business community up and to wake Americans up concerning the injustice and the racism under which the Palestinians have lived because of Zionism.” (http://islamichope.org/) Barack Hussein Obama has also been quoted as saying, “nobody is suffering more than the Palestinian people” and that “the lives of more than 3,000 soldiers killed in Iraq have been wasted.”

In addition, Obama’s Muslim and Marxist first cousin, Raila Odinga, has run for the presidency of Muslim Kenya and upon losing, in traditional Marxist form, rejected the results of the election and instead spurned wide-scale violence in protest. Barack Hussein Obama’s father, grandfather, grandmother, four brothers, and sister are all Muslim. He has a Muslim name and attended Muslim school for two years. What’s worse is that the Muslim world believes that he is still a Muslim parading as a Christian. They believe that this is acceptable because under Islamic law, a Muslim is morally justified in doing anything to destroy those who refuse to convert. And if Barack Hussein Obama really is a Christian, then he is up for the death penalty in half the Muslim world under Shariah Law for abandoning the Muslim religion.

Barack Hussein Obama is also a closet racist. In the period from high school in Hawaii, to Columbia University, and then to the streets of Chicago as a community organizer, Obama described his world thusly: ”We were always playing on the white man's court -- by the white man's rules. If the principal, or the coach, or a teacher wanted to spit in your face, he could, because he had the power and you didn’t. The only thing you could choose was withdrawal into a smaller and smaller coil of rage.” Later in life, Barack Hussein Obama described the white race as “that ghostly figure that haunted black dreams.” “That hate hadn't gone away,” he wrote, blaming “white people — some cruel, some ignorant, sometimes a single face, sometimes just a faceless image of a system claiming power over our lives.” (http://www.examiner.com/a-536474~_Trapped_between_two_worlds_.html)

From here, Barack Hussein Obama went on to become an agitator and “leftist political organizer” for Mike Kruglick, who followed the radical communist organizer Saul Alinsky. And the agitator's job, according to Alinsky, “is first to bring folks to the ‘realization’ that they are indeed miserable, that their misery is the fault of unresponsive governments or greedy corporations, then help them to bond together to demand what they deserve, and to make such an almighty stink that the dastardly governments and corporations will see imminent ‘self-interest’ in granting whatever it is that will cause the harassment to cease.” In these methods, euphemistically labeled “community organizing,” Barack Hussein Obama had a four-year education, which he often says was the “best education he ever got anywhere.” After reading this it should be no surprise that one of Barack Hussein Obama’s key supporters is the anti-American, George Soros.

Another one of Barack Husseun Obama’s key supporters is the National Council of La Raza (NCLR), the nation's largest Hispanic Nazi-type organization. La Raza is Spanish for “the race,” and although NCLR claims it means “community” on their website, La Raza supports legislation such as the “Civil Liberties Restoration Act,” which would roll back policies adopted after Sept. 11 designed to protect national security. It also supports the “DREAM Act,” which would mandate states to offer in-state tuition rates to illegal aliens -thus providing them with benefits that are not even available to U.S. citizens from other states. La Raza (The Race) also believes that the lower third of the United States still belongs to Mexico and that it is destined to be returned to Mexico someday.

In closing, although Barack Hussein Obama is polished on the surface, the chain smoker’s stand on the defenseless seems cold to the core, his racist attitude shameful, his foreign policy is chilling and the number one front in the War on Terror in my view, has now shifted from the Middle East to “Election 2008,” and we are on the front lines. Barack Hussein Obama Jr. has been voted the most liberal U.S. Senator. For this scarlet letter he has beaten out both Hillary Clinton who placed a meager 16th and Ted Kennedy himself. As the February air chills most of the nation, I am developing gooseflesh for more reasons than just the temperature.

By Ryan Sorba

gots me a headache/all you had to say was thanks

2007-12-05T22:30:00.000-05:00

its really more of a physical one instead an emotional. i sometimes get those too. those just make me ache period.

please pray for Mary Peeples. she is my Pastor's mother, and apparently she is in the hospital and is not doing to well. please pray for a speedy recovery. so do it now.. as you read this.. if you do..

so..

the high school bible study that i have been attending is wonderful. i have really needed the collective insight that the study has brought. i have taken to heart a lot of the information that i already knew, and it has resurfaced some of the daily spiritual practices that i had let slip. practices such as daily devotion and daily prayer. the daily prayer has been more of throughout the entire day, many, many, many times a day prayer. i have been praying especially hard for guidance in general. thoughts, actions, ladies.. i have felt more at peace.

i also feel less of a shell. the last year or so i have felt spiritually inadequate, like an empty shell. and now i don't.
magical..

i took the ACT today.. it sucked big time. i think i did pretty well on it, with the exception of the math and science section. truthfully i am scared out of my mind that i won't do well enough to get into a decent college. education is everything in this country, and when it comes down to it, i am horrible at the one thing every college wants me to be good at. Math.. i just can't beat it. i so bad want to be able to provide for myself and blank in the future, but me having poor math skills is a possible deterrent to that dream. i am, with all truth and sincerity, scared to death about it. the future scares me.. i hate when things aren't guaranteed, and i can't see whats coming next. i think thats why i have been so so so hesitant about dating, cause i just can't give my heart to something that could possibly fail. I have a really hard time trusting anyone, so to give that piece of me up for something that could possibly not last, is a real hard concept for me to swallow, or even grasp. i just have to know that she's in it as much as me. which brings me to my next topic that possibly no one will read or comment on...

dating..
for me dating isn't a status you can put on facebook, or someone that you can call and pretend that you have actual love for. it needs to be something that i can rely on, something that i know to be real. so i have been praying about it, and hopefully God will have someone for me. friends are nice to have, but at some point, you just want something more.. everyone always has like 20 girlfriends or boyfriends during their high school or college years. Everyone seems to just go crazy until they find someone they can hang on to.. or maybe that is the way.. who knows?
not me..

huh?

2007-12-02T21:28:00.000-05:00

so...

here i am again, staring at the computer screen trying to remember the copious mental notes I took of the different people i as around this afternoon.. the mental notes are for future joke references..

i'm sleepy though i doubt sleep will present itself to me tonight.. my mind is way too active at night.. its probably all the mountain dew.. but its just sooo good.

i feel really weird tonight. i mean more than usual.. like i'm sleeping but awake..
yeah this post is boring sorry.. i'm too sleepy to come up with a new and exciting metaphor that would normally blow your mind.. go read a past post..

i like this song -- its called "The Edge of Water" by Jars of Clay

have you ever been haunted
the way i've been by you?
and have you ever felt
the measure of the days that i've spent waiting
pining for you?

i can't see the sun for the daylight
i can't feel your breath for the wind
i don't want to step from these shadows
'til you're comin' back again

i've dammed the emotions
to keep my lanterns lit
i'm shaken by this longing
that course through my veins
in my mind i can't make sense of it

i can't see the sun for the daylight
i can't feel your breath for the wind
i get so used to these shadows
are you comin' back again?

do we give up this search and turn out the light?
and give up this holy ghost that rattles through the night?

i can't see the sun for the daylight
i can't feel your breath for the wind
i don't want to step from these shadows
'til you come back again

i can't see the sun for the daylight
i can't feel your breath for the wind
i get so used to these shadows
will you chase away these shadows
when you come back again?

when you come back again
when you come back again
when you come back again
when you come back
when you come back again
when you come back
when you come back again

the week of leftovers

2007-11-24T11:55:00.000-05:00

so Thanksgiving has passed, along with Black Friday.. everything was bought by 9:00 am friday..
Thanksgiving was rather boring this year, none of my family came except my Nana, who i wish to enslave so she can make her Coconut Cake for me every day all day.
The youth group went to the mall on Wednesday and participated in a scavenger hunt. it was pretty fun. Trey quit 5 minutes into the hunt because of "back problems." how much money do you want to bet he is going to play his hardest tomorrow during the turkey bowl..
my thoughts exactly..

its a work of progress, but i think its alright. i always have the hardest time putting things to music. i guess i'll have to try a little harder this time. i want to add another verse, but nothing more has come to me yet..

has anyone ever told you your eyes can light up the room
and even if its cloudy outside, your eyes can shine
like the moon.

has anyone ever told you to stay
because your eyes can light up their soul.
has anyone ever told you to that they would
give you the world? the stars already inhabit your eyes.

i'm telling you now. if you haven't heard those
words a thousands time, i'll tell you a thousand more.
i'm telling you now, cause you might have been
broken before, but i will fix you now.

people search the stars for their answers,
but i just watch your eyes. they sparkle and burn,
flow and they yearn for a little something more.
and at the end of the day when the sky is dark and gray
and the stars have yet to shine. just turn your head
and smile my way and the stars will be in my arms.

don't cry, its only a blog

2007-11-21T01:05:00.000-05:00

so..

i'm 18 now. i can vote and thats about it.. stay at the mall later than most kids. who like the mall anyway? to many people.

i got a gloriously awesome 80 gig Zune for my birthday. its the sweetest thing since cotton candy. i guess i shouldn't use the literal use of the word "sweet" for my metaphor, but if anyone wants to complain about my slowly dieing use of allegories in this blog, please feel free too.

i always start out having something of personal significants to write, but by the time i have typed the introduction of this blog, i have forgotten what i had originally intended to write. it never fails.
ok..
i have come to the conclusion that the U.N. is stupid and a huge waist of time and money on every governments part. since 2004, different officials have been trying to get the U.N. to do something about the now apparent genocide in Darfur. Evidently, the no one wants to upset any other country by encroaching on their "sovereignty". so in turn, the U.N. make useless threats against the Sudan Government telling them to disband their "government fighters" who are the cause of the ravaged and raped people, and if they don't, so and so will happen. but nothing ever happens. they make useless threats that they don't ever carry out. plus the Chinese government gets most of their oil from Sudan and since they are getting their oil there, they have been a huge deterrent of the minuscule help that is finally, after like 3 years, getting there. plus.. they supply the weapons for the Janjaweed, aka: the "government soldiers". i'm pretty sure that isn't helping..
but anyways.. if the U.N. would actually like to help the world like its suppose to, they would display some courage when threating governments, and instead of always going in after there has been a conflict, they should try to do more to prevent these atrocities, before they happen..

just my two cents.

now some crazy Chinese kgb guy is going to come and kill me. so i suddenly become "missing", you know why.

i think i'm going to post a link for this blog on my facebook, so if anyone actually comes and reads these clippings of my mind, feel free to comment..

whats up doc?

2007-11-18T22:41:00.001-05:00

well i have decided to make myself a blog. so here it is..

i believe blogs are used for ramblings of different sorts, but since i am fresh out of ramblings, the general population will have to wait until i come up with something to type.

ok maybe I have something to say..

where to start..

I'm turning 18 tomorrow, and I still haven't figured out the significants of it. I guess it just means more responsibility I am going to have to eventually shoulder.

I have had this bit of song in and out of my head for the last week. its by relient k, and the song is called I Am Understood?
the piece that has been stuck in my head goes like this..

"You're the only one who understands completely. you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely"

"And sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
If i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then"

i fail so many times as a person and the line that goes "you're the only who know me yet still loves completely" just shatters me, and brings me to a place where i actually am "at a loss for words". it so true that so many times i fade in and out of my Christian walk, but every single time God is there waiting ever so "patiently to bring me back"
its a truly great song with an awesome message. listen to it if you ever get the chance.

i think i am going to try to write music again. i always start writing, but it never goes in the direction i want too.

i don't think i am going to post any kind of link to this blog until at least one of my friends actually finds it.