its sooo late

This heart of mine bleeds words and rhythms
much of which makes little sense.
Flowing from the black keys comes nonsensical
themes that even I hold to low expectations.
Much like the future ahead, plans scare me to
death and hold what I cannot see. Clarity of
my heart that I do not wear for sport is something
I desire the most. With clarity comes action and with
action, consequences and I think that scares me the most.
I want to believe that you and me can be the best thing there
ever was. But to see is to believe and my heart most assuredly
agrees that most of the time I tend to fail. My own actions are
useless and I pray with clenched fists that my prayers are not
short of sincerity. It's four in the morning and with each passing
second my eyes swell with tiredness. My fingers keep moving as my
brain keeps choosing the words in which I express myself.
I am alone with my breathing and the only thing consuming my
time is the thoughts that plague my mind. But is this all useless
since I know things will work out, even if my mind says otherwise.
I guess I should trust and obey for there is no other way, but to be
happy and happy I shall be..

...

So it is May 25th and I am ridiculously bored.
School has been out for three weeks and I feel like I have nothing to do except sleep and go to work.
I am not content with that.
I think I will start fishing regularly since I have nothing really else to do.
I'm not going to lie, and this might sound slightly girlish, but I really miss my college friends. Especially Taylor and Whitney.
It is going to be a very long summer.
I haven't been able to write much either, at least anything that resembles any sort of fluidity.
I am lacking inspiration I suppose.

Eyes wide open

Is it weird that I want to settle down already? I will be 20 this year, but I sincerely want to just settle down. I guess there are a lot of things that need to happen before I will be able to do that, like graduate college, have a good job, get married. [?] This may astound some people, but the settling part I want to the most is the comfort of that married relationship. I know what I'm looking for, I just have to find it. It is hard to find that person who meets my criteria. I have only met a couple, and one ended up being someone else other than who she said she was. We are not going to talk about that. I'm am just not a patient person, regardless of what my friends say. I hate waiting. Is it wrong to be so picky? Cause this is what I want.

1. Has to be a Christian. A practicing Christian who has a strong relationship with God and not just a shallow convenient Christian. I really want her to be someone I can look at and want to try and keep up with spiritually.
2. She has to like music at the same level as I do. I really love music, and it takes up a large portion of my life.
3. She has to care about the world around her. I'm more than likely going to be involved in some type of Public Service for the rest of my life and she has to care about things that are bigger than she or I.
4. She has to be real not fake. I see so many people putting out this facade to try and make it seem that they are something they aren't. I have a problem with shallow people.
   

I don't want to sound creepy, but I am always on the lookout for this. Like I said, I haven't met too many people who have met those criteria. I trust God will put someone there when He desires to. I know what I need. I want this to happen.

I have to keep the perspective that there is a difference between liking the idea of something and liking something. I see that so many times with relationships. People get into a relationship based on some petty attraction because they like the idea of having that relationship. It's like showing off a new toy. The really sad thing is that those relationships end, and one, two, three weeks later there is a new one in its place. It is sad. I'm at the point where I something solid. I am not saying I have been like that, cause I am strongly against petty "trophy" relationships. I have been for what seems like forever, a proponent of real relationships that mean something.

I feel like an old man sometimes. I just want to grow old with someone and laugh with them forever.

"If we are the Body, how'd the pretty man get so ugly. How did he get all the spaces between each limb?"

I am really sad right now. I simply am at a loss. I just don't understand how people can act one way and then turn around and act another way. The hypocrisy makes me so sad. It breaks my heart. How can you say you are a Christian, then act in a way that absolutely shatters any recognition of Christ in you? How can you walk into a church, or the BCM for that matter and pretend that this relationship you claim to have is all good? On what level does your mind work at to try and justify your actions? How can you say you want the world to have what you have and still act this way? Do you even know what you have? How can you just not care? I am going to say this and maybe come to regret it, cause I have no way of knowing who reads this, but I feel like so many people at the BCM are totally hypocritical and fake. It is about an emotional high for them, a show. I actually don't feel like, I know. You walk in acting all "christiany" and then go get wasted. What goes through your mind? How do you justify it? Are you a convienent Christian? Do you only take from Christianity what is convienent for you? I do not understand the mentality. I truly do not.

This is not about one person, this is about a group. I am sad that it is like this. I think you should be called out. You guys think you're so cool. It makes me want to punch you in the face and remove that smug cockiness that you guys are so proud of. You think you are so much cooler than everyone else too. How can you act that way? It makes me want to have nothing to do with you anymore. Stupid, you are so stupid. Act the way you should or don't ever say you're a
Christian. I hate it, You are what is wrong with Christianity. You don't want to change either, and you probably won't. I just can't stand it.

It breaks my heart. I will try to pray for you, but it makes me really mad.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else was.

You see, you don't really. You can't
possibly see if you sleep with your
eyes closed. Is it easier when you
push until it closes all in? Masochistic
is what it is.

You owe me nothing, but it would
have been considerate considering
you claim to be my friend. Do you
really not understand that point of
view? What is a friend who doesn't
care? I can't wrap my head around
you.

Continue to negate the feeling of pain
and I'll continue to do that same.
Maybe that's the deal you're afraid
to show, but why did you change from
where you were? I don't understand
why you continue on like this, its the
lack of Christ that makes it this hard.

acronym with explitives

I would like to start off by saying that I write these blogs for no one. This is for myself, it is therapeutic for me. It is why I am minoring in Creative Writing. If you think otherwise, it is because you are a creeper. Yes, creeper. So don't ever complain about what I write. I do not usually advertise this. You, creeper you.



That tree withers, the roots have turned to dust.
You claim you're fine but your eyes say otherwise.
You have to let it go, no one ever drowns alone.

The sea is churning oh so hard. The waves of
this life will carry you down. You're in the water
you won't stay afloat. I'm telling you that no one
ever drowns alone.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else is too.

I have always been told pride comes before
the fall. But evidently so does hypocrisy, but
that tops it all. You are right to say you owe
me nothing, but it would have been considerate
to explain a few things. I'd like to say I'm not mad,
but that would be a lie. It just makes me feel like crap
cause I thought we were closer than that.
Yeah, evidently I was wrong.