I find myself becoming particularly wary as of late. I don't know if it's an overall hesitation to let myself go after something I want, or if subconsciously I feel like I shouldn’t try because I’ve hit too many walls in the past. Though, I am enjoying the sensation of realizing that something I once held on to is no longer a vice in my life, but rather a chapter in my heart that is closed forever. 

I’m also beginning to feel this perpetual state of disinvolvement with the people in my life too. I know a large part of it is friends moving apart, no longer conscripted by our need to validate each other through intertwining company. And undeniably part of it is shallowness. At first I emotionally battled this departure which led to kind of an angsty state of mind that I’m pretty sure was obviously, albeit overtly. I’m not a big fan of change, and particulars aside, I’m not even a small fan. Whichever side of the fan spectrum you’re on, it’s safe to assume that I don’t like change. 

I just suddenly understood the line “because you see too much safety”. Maybe that’s my problem. I see things only as ok or not ok. Maybe it does boil down to fear of the unknown and I’m afraid to draw outside of the lines. It’s an interesting thought, and defiantly a conundrum because I always know what I want and what I want is always spectacularly clear to me. Although I usually know when it’s not good for me and when it’s not good to pursue. I don’t know. Self assurance has never been something that I’ve been terribly capable of. I think way too logically and it threatens the existence of personal happiness because it constricts any leaps of faith that may be required. I just don’t want to be bound to singularity because of my ironic ineptitude.

I’m not sure why I’ve written all of this. I think it’s partially due to a range of pangs I’ve had this week. Pining might be a more accurate description. Anyways, I've suddenly found a door slightly cracked, or has the appearance of being cracked and I’m waiting to see if there is light behind the four paneled door. I walk past the door all the time and every time I pass it I’ve thought to myself that if and when it opened. 

Who knows, maybe this is the start of it all