You mean everything to nobody, but me

I haven't expressed myself in a while through this venue, so it's time to release some pend up words.

I've been struggling a lot with contentment lately, I always want more. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more in my life, I feel like I'm built for bigger and better things. I just want things to be simple sometimes. I want to run away with someone and just forget everything else. I think I have to get out of Carrollton, I really do. I need a serious girlfriend is what I need. I'm tired of my conscious telling me to be patient. I'm tired of waiting for doors to open where in all actuality, the door is probably a revolving one, and the initiator of the swinging door is just waiting for me to jump on board. Well I'm not a damn psychic so please tell me if that's the case. I am a fool if we're being honest here and I do not understand how this crap works half the time.

I've been feeling very nostalgic towards certain relationships as well. I understand that people undergo changes and whatnot during times apart, but I never thought it would be like this. I just hate investing myself in people and it be completely genuine for all parties involved then have it seemingly fall apart. I just can't handle all that. All of this is usually in my head, because I tend to overthink the majority of everything that I come across, but I am sick and tired of being the only one who tries. I have to have the assurance that our relationships are being held together from both ends.

Manchester Orchestra has been influencing my writing a lot lately. I wrote this hymn like song.


Oh wandering heart cannot stay still.
Fill me up to become empty again.
Like the stars shining up above
shine your light, give me your love.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Swallow my pride, choke my mind
give me the peace I desire inside.
Lord hear my cry, my plee of release.
Lord bring me up from my knees.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Mold my heart, make it yours
take away this empty hull.
Fetter grace my wandering heart
take away, leave only your thoughts

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

I'm usually not wrong

I sometimes feel that things won't be the same when school starts back. I feel that friendships won't be the same and that scares me. I don't like change, but I guess people change and I just don't know if things will be as good as they were. It makes me feel sick. Tell me I'm wrong.

Don't let the fear take control, you
have to swim before you can drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so just let go.

It's easy to do, to lose it all
all you have to do is forget
who you are. Remember to
breathe in and out, panic can
only take you further from where
you are.

Sometimes you have to forget
to remember where you at,
displacement is normal and so
is doubt (regret). Gravity can only
keep you down for so long, the valley
is always the bottom of the top.


Don't let the fear take control, you
have to get wet before you can swim
but you don't have to go deep to drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so take my hand
and let go.

a little honesty

I feel like I need to get away. I am so restless and lacking contentment

PRIORITIES

1. God
2. My future

• School
• Relationships

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydacEnqStzw

its sooo late

This heart of mine bleeds words and rhythms
much of which makes little sense.
Flowing from the black keys comes nonsensical
themes that even I hold to low expectations.
Much like the future ahead, plans scare me to
death and hold what I cannot see. Clarity of
my heart that I do not wear for sport is something
I desire the most. With clarity comes action and with
action, consequences and I think that scares me the most.
I want to believe that you and me can be the best thing there
ever was. But to see is to believe and my heart most assuredly
agrees that most of the time I tend to fail. My own actions are
useless and I pray with clenched fists that my prayers are not
short of sincerity. It's four in the morning and with each passing
second my eyes swell with tiredness. My fingers keep moving as my
brain keeps choosing the words in which I express myself.
I am alone with my breathing and the only thing consuming my
time is the thoughts that plague my mind. But is this all useless
since I know things will work out, even if my mind says otherwise.
I guess I should trust and obey for there is no other way, but to be
happy and happy I shall be..

...

So it is May 25th and I am ridiculously bored.
School has been out for three weeks and I feel like I have nothing to do except sleep and go to work.
I am not content with that.
I think I will start fishing regularly since I have nothing really else to do.
I'm not going to lie, and this might sound slightly girlish, but I really miss my college friends. Especially Taylor and Whitney.
It is going to be a very long summer.
I haven't been able to write much either, at least anything that resembles any sort of fluidity.
I am lacking inspiration I suppose.

Eyes wide open

Is it weird that I want to settle down already? I will be 20 this year, but I sincerely want to just settle down. I guess there are a lot of things that need to happen before I will be able to do that, like graduate college, have a good job, get married. [?] This may astound some people, but the settling part I want to the most is the comfort of that married relationship. I know what I'm looking for, I just have to find it. It is hard to find that person who meets my criteria. I have only met a couple, and one ended up being someone else other than who she said she was. We are not going to talk about that. I'm am just not a patient person, regardless of what my friends say. I hate waiting. Is it wrong to be so picky? Cause this is what I want.

1. Has to be a Christian. A practicing Christian who has a strong relationship with God and not just a shallow convenient Christian. I really want her to be someone I can look at and want to try and keep up with spiritually.
2. She has to like music at the same level as I do. I really love music, and it takes up a large portion of my life.
3. She has to care about the world around her. I'm more than likely going to be involved in some type of Public Service for the rest of my life and she has to care about things that are bigger than she or I.
4. She has to be real not fake. I see so many people putting out this facade to try and make it seem that they are something they aren't. I have a problem with shallow people.
   

I don't want to sound creepy, but I am always on the lookout for this. Like I said, I haven't met too many people who have met those criteria. I trust God will put someone there when He desires to. I know what I need. I want this to happen.

I have to keep the perspective that there is a difference between liking the idea of something and liking something. I see that so many times with relationships. People get into a relationship based on some petty attraction because they like the idea of having that relationship. It's like showing off a new toy. The really sad thing is that those relationships end, and one, two, three weeks later there is a new one in its place. It is sad. I'm at the point where I something solid. I am not saying I have been like that, cause I am strongly against petty "trophy" relationships. I have been for what seems like forever, a proponent of real relationships that mean something.

I feel like an old man sometimes. I just want to grow old with someone and laugh with them forever.