"Oh but give me love over
Love over, love over this"


~ Coldplay

I find myself becoming particularly wary as of late. I don't know if it's an overall hesitation to let myself go after something I want, or if subconsciously I feel like I shouldn’t try because I’ve hit too many walls in the past. Though, I am enjoying the sensation of realizing that something I once held on to is no longer a vice in my life, but rather a chapter in my heart that is closed forever. 

I’m also beginning to feel this perpetual state of disinvolvement with the people in my life too. I know a large part of it is friends moving apart, no longer conscripted by our need to validate each other through intertwining company. And undeniably part of it is shallowness. At first I emotionally battled this departure which led to kind of an angsty state of mind that I’m pretty sure was obviously, albeit overtly. I’m not a big fan of change, and particulars aside, I’m not even a small fan. Whichever side of the fan spectrum you’re on, it’s safe to assume that I don’t like change. 

I just suddenly understood the line “because you see too much safety”. Maybe that’s my problem. I see things only as ok or not ok. Maybe it does boil down to fear of the unknown and I’m afraid to draw outside of the lines. It’s an interesting thought, and defiantly a conundrum because I always know what I want and what I want is always spectacularly clear to me. Although I usually know when it’s not good for me and when it’s not good to pursue. I don’t know. Self assurance has never been something that I’ve been terribly capable of. I think way too logically and it threatens the existence of personal happiness because it constricts any leaps of faith that may be required. I just don’t want to be bound to singularity because of my ironic ineptitude.

I’m not sure why I’ve written all of this. I think it’s partially due to a range of pangs I’ve had this week. Pining might be a more accurate description. Anyways, I've suddenly found a door slightly cracked, or has the appearance of being cracked and I’m waiting to see if there is light behind the four paneled door. I walk past the door all the time and every time I pass it I’ve thought to myself that if and when it opened. 

Who knows, maybe this is the start of it all

(500) Days of Summer

12 flights of stairs up to the top

where the wind blows whistling love songs 

he takes each step 1 at a time

expecting something he will never find 

144 stairs in the well 

he knocks on the door baring a gift wrapped in brown

his love worn out on his sleeve

images of love will soon be mixed with pain 

visions of ecstasy dance in his mind

expectancy ruining all he's wanting to find

reality hits him with the cold hard truth

he'll leave the rooftop shedding stairs in reproof 

months it'll take on top of the days

to remove all the hurt between the shame

it wasn't all her fault, but part of it was

he left all of that on the apartment rooftop

a park bench overlooking a silent city

became the mark that held his destiny

the seasons changed and came something new

it was there all along waiting for him to choose

Allegory #1,456,959

Captains see through white waves

anchoring ships in shallow bays 

Sailing towards deep coasts

finding treasure in false hope 

As darkness spreads out

wind blows through rain clouds

White sails gain weight 

as fast ships graze waves 

Green trees pass by

hopeful docking yields no supply

Wasteful months give no luck 

sailors shouldn't anchor where there's no love

Deep blue on brown hull

cutting through a liquid toll

Seeking solace in bitter ends

what a sailor gets when things are held in

Shore ahead in distance speaks

calls to leave the wooden peaks

The mast holds square rigged cloth

folded down to come to a stop

Coast to contain all of the wants

but this sailors knows that you're all for not 

Oceans

One night with sweat on my brow

I dreamed of an ocean that barely held any water.

And I took a subconscious step into the knee deep sea,

wondering in vain in search of me.

For the pelagic depths were no longer there

and with each salty step I discovered more despair.

So I thought to myself, “Where had it gone?”

and pondered “if there was ever any ocean at all.”

For all these islands had sprung up in light of the subsidence,

and I waded to each, seeking answers in silence

I found the islands were sufficient for inhabitance,

and the beauty there was stunning beyond any comparison.

But I also noticed a resemblance in each tiny world

and if you took a step back you could see a continual void.

So I stumbled on through the watery scene

And walked for what seemed like months on top of weeks

My feet had grown ragged from the sharp edges of coral

But the salt water had fused the flesh back to each other

My throat had gone dry for there was no fresh water

And all of the islands had finally gone under

So I looked to the horizon for something new

But all that I saw was the blanket of blue

It seemed like it stretched for what I thought was forever

And I knew that I wouldn’t last in this sea of shallow

The sky suddenly darkened with large black clouds

The kind that usually pour water down 

And I knew instantly what it would mean,

The torrential downpour would surely flood past my knees

I found it odd that I was looking for water,

that it was all around me and becoming a bother

I didn’t even remember how I had gotten to this place

Or even why I thought it would have been remotely safe

So I stood in the ocean letting it flood

Allowing the water to creep further and further up

I stopped walking onward and stood fast in one place,

Until all that could be seen were my head and my face

When I opened my eyes I could see under water

And all that I feared had been scared away by the thunder

I started to move my legs just to see,

If I still had motion in my watery knees

I could move and run and walk and talk

And what I had sought was there sure enough

All that it took was the passing of time

And a little patience in the ocean of what wasn’t mine