Satisfaction

"Be Satisfied with Me" by St. Anthony of Padua:

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says,
"No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

yeah

running on empty notions that make me uneasy
i just want love unconditionally
lightening sparks, the grass, the fire could actually last
Wind blows leaving only ashes.

and I'm so tired but I can't sleep
running through the motions of
chaos and unease. I see trials
that seem to last you keep coming
back as a ghost from my past.

I never like feeling so tired I never like
wanting what I can't hold. And these are
words on a blank white screen, no longer
a metaphor of you and me.

You gave me what I asked, You sat me
down and simply reinforced that You
give and take what is supposed to last.

You whisper your promises and I can't
even look, I can't even comprehend the
magnitude of Your grace. I can't take
what I ask when all You do is give me
what I don't deserve.

Bless my eyes to finally see that what
You do is enough for me. Contain
this bleed and allow me to see that
all You do is enough for me..

ok

These two are totally separate pieces of my work.

Structured integrity never took hold
you opened the door but wouldn't let me in.
I was the gentlemen that never got far
but close enough to make an assessment of
that I can't be any more scared than you are.

I never asked for much, or rather anything at all
like a bird in a trap I was snared, clipped, then let go.
Well I took a dive unable to save a fall, and you
were okay as long as gravity didn't pull you along.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
Of everything that you once said,
now negates the feelings you currently
place in my head.

It's sad to think how far this went.
Degenerate means we fallen farther
than intentions initially started and led.
I promise to make sure you make
me unsure of why we're so unsure.
You just do what you've been doing
open up then shut the door.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
I promise I'm not bitter or resentful in fact
God allows me to be better than that.
Well we'll take the leap and plunge headfirst
it'll still just be me and an unsuccessful launch.

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Along which lines do we really walk day by day?
Do we say what we mean and mean what we say?
Caught up in a battle of broken fellowship, has our
love become a war of attrition?

Battlefields strewn with the dead, casualties of our
own selfish ends. Infatuations of the lost and lonely
searching for the holy in the land of milk and honey.
We place our hands of the monetary, click our heels
and hope for something less dreary. Well we'll be all
alone in the darkened world, seal of death delivered
by what we hold to closely.

Walk through the flame with our heads held high,
aloft by the game that we continue to die by.
But we're not alone even if we think we are, infatuated
by what standards everyone else lives by.

I'll tell you the truth, I want you to know, you're
beautiful but you're nothing but an excuse to feel good.
And that's the problem with love today, we never say
what we mean and mean what we say...

same old same old when's it going to end?
Cursed with a disease that never heals,
broken spirit reminds me that it's time that wins.
Well I'll tell you the truth, I'm a contender for
this, you tell me you love me and I'll tell you to quit

Records are broken every chance they get
cause I'm the first place loser without any real wins.
And I can still feel my heartbeat when I hold my breath
I guess I've never have been able to hold it enough.
Self pity is the first step of going insane, writing these words
makes it easier to complain.
But what you don't get is what I don't explain
and you'll makes excuses why things aren't the same.

I just want you to know that I've given up on
tying down all the loose ends. Truth be told it's
just you, my pride, and me, just like Andy said.
Pride does funny things to the mind, the heart,
and when it comes down to it, everything's
just in my head.

part two

I shouldn't be mad, it's childish at best.
I muster up fear to justify pride, either way
pride will feed the beast inside.
I'll push it out, watch it leave, assert
what I really mean.

I'll talk it out, but you won't hear a word
I'll speak my mind to everyone but you.
Cause when it's said and done, breaking
a heart was never what I intended to do.

I do it everytime, masochism at it's very best.
If I open my mouth I should start digging my grave
cause I'll break things by getting in the way.
Yeah but I have faith, faith enough to see that
the road that I travel is perfectly fine for the likes of me.

gravel path is key for skinned knees, dreams are
made of the things you can't really see.
I'll build it up, but on some trust
have you break it just like everyone else before.

whatever whatever it's all the same, I'll go to sleep
and wake up the next day. Throw on some Conor
and life will go on, write some words that justify
the need.

whatever

It wasn't long to come to pass
I thought wrong and blew a chance.
We talked it out and let it go
Now that I walked away I want you more.

And I can't stand this state of mind
I thought all I needed was a little time.
Well time can do funny things
cause now that time has passed
I want you even more.

And I don't understand many things
such as why you stopped liking me suddenly
Chalk it up to things unknown, like why we
act like we know someone.

If actions dictate a state of distress
this ships going down without much of a hit.
At least you stopped mid mark, without
hesitation you pulled all stops.

You mean everything to nobody, but me

I haven't expressed myself in a while through this venue, so it's time to release some pend up words.

I've been struggling a lot with contentment lately, I always want more. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more in my life, I feel like I'm built for bigger and better things. I just want things to be simple sometimes. I want to run away with someone and just forget everything else. I think I have to get out of Carrollton, I really do. I need a serious girlfriend is what I need. I'm tired of my conscious telling me to be patient. I'm tired of waiting for doors to open where in all actuality, the door is probably a revolving one, and the initiator of the swinging door is just waiting for me to jump on board. Well I'm not a damn psychic so please tell me if that's the case. I am a fool if we're being honest here and I do not understand how this crap works half the time.

I've been feeling very nostalgic towards certain relationships as well. I understand that people undergo changes and whatnot during times apart, but I never thought it would be like this. I just hate investing myself in people and it be completely genuine for all parties involved then have it seemingly fall apart. I just can't handle all that. All of this is usually in my head, because I tend to overthink the majority of everything that I come across, but I am sick and tired of being the only one who tries. I have to have the assurance that our relationships are being held together from both ends.

Manchester Orchestra has been influencing my writing a lot lately. I wrote this hymn like song.


Oh wandering heart cannot stay still.
Fill me up to become empty again.
Like the stars shining up above
shine your light, give me your love.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Swallow my pride, choke my mind
give me the peace I desire inside.
Lord hear my cry, my plee of release.
Lord bring me up from my knees.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Mold my heart, make it yours
take away this empty hull.
Fetter grace my wandering heart
take away, leave only your thoughts

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.