It's funny how the things we do shape the things to come. How you can have no idea what someone is trying to convey through their experiences and you have no way to empathize with what they are saying until you experience something similar. It opens your eyes.

How you never understand a song until something happens in your life, then you suddenly understand what the artist is saying. You know exactly what they were feeling and the sense of happiness or pain or sorrow is felt in the same way.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I'm tired of being friends

Light and Dark

I lost my way in the land of the lonely

I have no need for a bull from your pen

But I did not see what you were doing

You stained my face with a love that was resounding.

I saw a light that shone so very brightly

It became my slight so bright and blinding

And I was a tree with roots seeking fresh water

You were a stream in a garden of new beauty

I lost my way in the land of milk and honey

I wanted you more than I ever should have

I became enthralled with what I deemed worthy

You awoke me, You told me I was wrong

I make account for my sin, shame, and fever

I could not see the obsession overtaking me

What is the cost to become so accosted

I am a man with investments so cheap

I was afraid of the failure inside of my skin

the deep and dark beneath my bright and dim

I became angry, questioning Your every intention

You shot me down smoke trailing from my brain

You shot me down and put me in my place

I misread the weight of what became breath taking

I now believe in a specific beautiful plan

I can now see the rises and the falls,

I see where You have me so clearly

I can see why You put me in my place

So close yet so far away
a caged bird sings everyday.
Masochistic it would seem
when I see you the harder I dream
Controlled chaos my heart falls to
lack of control is now entropy.

Breathe out to breathe you in
feel the same yet feel differently
I walk the road of chaos and bliss
you are the love I'd love to dismiss

Walked in on the edge of fall
left me with feelings of winter thaw
yearnings of another season
where difference is not disconcerting
though warmer days you still will remain

Understanding no price will provide
confidence containing pend up pride
no answers no reasons why
no matter the difference this bird will fly

I feel like a crap writer sometimes.

true story..

ehhhhhhhhhhh

I sometimes ponder lesser things, like if apathy really is the key.
Keys keep things bound that should stay locked, closed caskets
remain on top.
The world is a dream, disengaged from naivety to reality.
I can't see what's in front of me.

I wonder what you see in them, if love is a game, little terms of engagement.
Is it a war to be won, a trophy to display? Or do you just not want to be alone?
I hold onto what contains at least a little humanity, I can't participate in games.
Retrospect might show pride comes before the fall, ego then assumes the initial role
maybe that is the deal, a microscopic man among infinite beings.
A fatal flaw of a degenerate man.

I hear claims of hearts given to unequated lovers, shameful looks and pregnant belly's.
I see hands held and funerals planned.
Are you learning much walking together in the barren land?
Is it all a lesson to be learned, a playbook assembled by a tally at the end?
Mark it up as another win to a year that came and went
I'll continue to be honest and stay confused until the pieces fit.

Satisfaction

"Be Satisfied with Me" by St. Anthony of Padua:

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says,
"No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."