tears are for babies. and sad movies

So I have been trying to write again. I've never really been happy with what I had written previously, but I ended up putting music to something I wrote at about 3 last night, and I think it's pretty good. It flowed well to me, and it's how i feel. its basically about how i second guess everything, and how I feel guilty for not trusting that God's will will be done. I play it in capo 8 out of C. and it's 6/8.


A tear, one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
This, this tragic scene, plays in my mind, and makes me feel ill.
all sick and hopeless inside. I, I just can't believe, that my heart and
my dreams come crashing down.

A tear, yes one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
This, boils up inside, creeping and itching deep in my soul, trying to
make sense of it all. I, I just can't believe, that my heart has
fallen to the ground.

A tear, one single tear, cause I know and I swear it's unfair.
I, I hoped you would see, play along and make you believe.
That I, I have waited all my life, for the chance, to aline myself
with the one. And I, thought you were it, prayed so hard that it,
caused me to wish, that you, you'd feel the same way, and be that
half that would complete me one day.

This tear, this one single, has caused me to worry and fret everyday.
But You, yes God You, You tell me that everything will be ok. And with
that, I know that I can, continue hoping for the best. Because I, I like you
and I won't stop until you like me too. And I, I think, this is all what God
planned, and my faith will place me in His hand.

This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down
This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down
This uncertainty breaks me down, but I swear I won't let You down

A Tear, one single tear, cause I know and I think it's unfair.
But You, You remind me that You, died for me, and that is
all that I need.

sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

So I find myself again at a precarious chapter in life. Not really precarious, I just wanted to use that word. I'm just extremely ready to begin a new chapter in my life, a chapter that I can fondly remember as my golden years. There are so many things that I'm having to trust God completely in, and I'm having such a hard time keeping up that amount of faith. My own well wishes are dictating my already complicated thought pattern, sometimes completely replacing my faith with bitterness and thoughts of impatience. It is so hard to want something, and have it look so good, and having to keep up the mindset that it might not be what God wants for me. It is crazy hard to continue trusting that God's will will be done, even if it doesn't coincide with what I want. It's hard to have a glance of what I have waited on, then continue waiting because God wants me to be patient. Patience is a virtue that kills me. I type all of this to say that this is a part of where I want my next chapter to go, but the patience of it tiring.

Oh and I'm tired of hearing how hard college is going to be. It's not as helpful as everyone thinks.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"

new day

Glorious song by the Robbie Seay Band. It's called New Day

www.myspace.com/robbieseayband

I'm gonna sing this song
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you're like me
You need hope, coffee, and melody
So sit back down
Let the world keep spinning ‘round
For yesterday's gone and today is waiting on you to show your face

It might not be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
But it’s a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day
And it might not look like
A beautiful sunrise
But it's a new day, oh baby, it’s a new day

I’m a pilgrim soul
I've traveled far and come back home
This land is hard and cold
For those who long to love
And I know it might seem
That the world is crumbling
But it’s me and you dancing in the kitchen at 2 am
And we're still alive

It’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I'm back again
The clouds that roll by
Crossing moonlight
Me and you love – everything's alright
Standing in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we're spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day
For the rest of your life
Me and you love – everything’s gonna be alright

And it just might be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
It’s a new day
Oh baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside
To see a beautiful sunrise
It’s a new day

well with soul

1 Corinthians 13:2 - "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

I came across this verse accidentally the other day, and it was a kick in the face. I've been praying lately about trying to show more love, and I truly feel that I'm not being the Christian I need to be by not showing enough love. My main spiritual gift is prophecy, and sometimes I do feel like I understand certain things better, and that I have a stronger faith about things. I often get angry with other Christians not showing a lot of faith, and I think it's because of my my gift. I don't understand why someone could have such little faith about something. God has been convicting me about me showing love, and this verse validated my convictions about it. I don't want to be "nothing", and I want to be the light that Jesus calls me to be. I can't shine when I can't even show the Love that Jesus himself shows. So, I'm going to try and earnestly show love. It's going to be hard, cause people who know me, know that I'm not a very loving person. God wills it..

Well With Soul - Ruth

All is well
with my soul, with my soul
and all is well
with my soul, with my soul

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what our made of
and you give me...
I wanna love everyone love everyone,
I wanna show them what our made of
and you give me peace

all is well
with my soul, with my soul
and all is well
with my soul, with my soul

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what your made of
you give me...
I wanna love everyone,
I wanna show them
what our made of
and you, you me.

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them what your made Love
your in my heart
your in my heart
and you give me peace.

and I wanna love everyone
I wanna show them
what your made of.
and you

I wanna love everyone
and I wanna show them
what your made of
love
your in my heart
your in my heart
you give me peace

sigh

This week has been really hard. I'm now at a place in my life where I do not want to continue growing up, and the fear of having to is breaking me. It's like I just can't breath. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle things to come, and even now I hate having to deal with things that have corrupted the hearts and minds of friends. I wish more than anything in the world, that I could hold on to innocence, and never let it go. I'm so glad that I have God here to hold me up. I don't know what I'd do otherwise.

Amazing, Because It Is - The Almost

I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
See
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that's in drive
Cause I'm addicted
I mean it
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

sweetness

So this week has been amazing. For those who did not know, I have been at my youth camp learning and growing.

Now truthfully, after Monday night I was not impressed at all with the way camp was going, spiritually speaking. It did not feel special, or leave any kind of awesome reverberating spiritual earmark on my heart. Then Tuesday night happened....

Now if you can read through the lines on some of my previous blogs, you can see I have been struggling with my patience regarding dating issues. I have always had this mindset that patience is virtue, especially when it comes to giving your heart out, but I had been slowly loosing this virtue that was so very important to me, and i knew if i had continued down that road, i would have wounded up broken, bitter, and hurt. At least more cynical then i am now.

The main part of the message that I held on to, was about two cups. The passages were John 19: 28- ? and Psalms 51. read 'em some time. or ask me about them

Drink # 1 equates to some form of hedonism. Basically you want whatever now, despite the possible repercussions.
Drink # 2 equates to being patient even if the pain of the patience, or the event that whatever the situation is, will break you.

this is from my journal page out of the camp notebook. i wrote this Tuesday night after the service.

"I want and long for the second cup, and i want more than anything for that patience to pay off resulting in what I ultimately want. My only real problem is that i'm constantly second guessing my patience, thinking that i may miss my warning sign. This constant Jekyll/Hyde personality is tearing my heart apart, separating my mind and causing fragments of misguided thoughts to effect my actual judgment. I get to this point where the thought of waiting for the "one" any longer, kills my soul. The world around me, no matter how much i don't want to admit it, effects my thought pattern, and gives fuel to my impatience. The best quotes ever is: "God always gives the best to those who leave it up to him." Once this train of thought took seed in my heart, the first became totally obsolete, giving me the mindset that i need, to always maintain my sight on the second cup. When you think about it, it would be so much better to be unhappy in the will of God(second cup), then happy outside of His will(first cup). He gives and takes away, so the ultimate mindset that i need to adopt, is that everything will work out to God's plan, and no matter how much it might kill me, it will be alright. This message was the first part of my warning sign, and i know whatever the outcome is, it will be fine."

Basically God slapped me in the face, reminding me that I should hold on to the second cup no matter what, cause He's taken care of me. I was starting to lose that mentality, and i'm so glad that it was presented through that message. The two cups does not necessarily have to be about dating, but that was what i took from it.

I also figured out why i like the character Mr. Darcy so much. He was a second cup man..

I sincerely think i've gotten a glance at the "second cup", but I'm just gonna let God take care of it.. that will be the remaining bit of my warning sign

rant

sometimes in life you just feel out. you're so tired of crap and the only thing you can do is roll with it. see my problem is that I've always had a hard time putting up with anything. I can't roll over, I have to go out with a fight. I will let you know what I think about the situation even if it means that I'm gonna get canned for it. That's probably why i'm gonna go to Law School. Days like this one just suck. You come home, and you just want more than a noisy house and ramen noodles. I just wish people wouldn't make big deals out of nothing. I just hate complicated. I think that's why I haven't wanted a girlfriend. I just haven't found anyone that is laid back enough, or isn't petty. I need a relationship that can help make me a better person. I think i've found her, but I'm waiting for the warning sign. Love is so complicated and people just don't see it for what it is anymore. It's whats happening to this country. We no longer have people in office that will stand for the Constitution. It pisses me off more than anything to see the Constitution used for personal political gain. It just kills me that gays can sue churches for telling them no. Our stupid judges have NO problem making sure there is a separation of church and state, then go and rule in favor of the gay citizens when the church that has been separated from state( read one line up) tells them they won't do a ceremony, or allow them to use their property. The church has a constitutional right to tell the person no. It's like I have a constitutional right to disagree with the government. Who cares if the person thinks it's unfair. The point is, our religious freedoms are being thrown out the window because liberal politicians break their own rules and stick their dirty hands in the privatized church's cookie jar. Remember who separated the church from the state?

growing up and warning signs

It has certainly been awhile since my last nonsensical rant, and a lot of things have changed since the departure of my last non quintessential quintessential blog. I have been slowly forced to grow up in this time, and although I've always embraced my inner child that makes up my serious joking mannerisms, I have come to except the undertaking of my coming adulthood. yeah that was a mouthful, I know.. Who I'm I kidding? Seriously joking is the best ever.. Throws everyone off.

I've had several inquiries about my Facebook status, so I guess I will go ahead and lay most of it down. The whole "Warning Sign" is a song by the band Coldplay, and it is there to remind myself that I have to be patient on certain issues that are requiring me to trust God explicitly. So, I'm just waiting on that warning sign. I have always had problems in situations like these, because of not trusting God. So I have to trust him no matter what, and wait for my warning sign. I will keep that status until this is over.

Coldplay - Warning Sign

http://www.imeem.com/yanamichiyo/music/kFhiCl4q/coldplay_warning_sign/

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

who's the punk now?

By Ryan Sorba

7:05pm Monday, Feb 11
I have been deeply disappointed to hear even friends of mine mention that simply because Barack Hussein Obama Jr. is clean cut and speaks well that he would make a good U.S. President. But when asked about what Obama stands for, most who lend him credence can give no answer. Apparently, for far too many, all it takes to qualify for the presidency are public speaking skills, never mind accomplishments or experience. And while we are on the subject of accomplishments, let me list a few personal, social, fiscal, and foreign policy measures that Barack Hussein Obama Jr. backs.

Socially, Barack Hussein Obama voted against filtering pornography on elementary school library computers, he voted for “sex education” for kindergarten children, and in 2001, Barack Hussein Obama voted “present” on a bill to keep pornographic book stores, video stores, and strip clubs from setting up within 1,000 feet of schools and churches. For some reason, the man apparently has no problem with ramming perversion in the face of school children and church goers.

In addition to his practical perversion, Barack Hussein Obama has voted against bills prohibiting the tax funding of abortions twice. Apparently, he wants you to pay for the murder of innocent children. In 2001, Barack Hussein Obama voted “present” on a bill which would notify parents when their minor children seek an abortion. In 2003, as chairman of the next Senate Committee to which the Alive Infants Protection Act was sent, Barack Hussein Obama prevented it from even getting a hearing. All that BAIPA stated, by the way, was that live-born babies are guaranteed the same constitutional right to equal protection under law as all other human beings, whether or not they are wanted. Essentially, Barack Hussein Obama voted to allow newborns to be killed by woman who just don’t feel like signing papers so that their living babies can be adopted. Apparently, Barack Hussein Obama’s wife, Michelle, is even worse. In February 2004, she sent out a fundraising letter, which actually stated her concern over the rise of conservatism in the Country, and that partial-birth abortion was a legitimate medical procedure that should be protected. Barack Hussein Obama also voted against a cloning ban in 2000 and touts the fact that he is an advocate of so-called “homosexual marriages.”

As far as foreign policy in concerned, Barack Hussein Obama might as well be on the side of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Obviously, Barack Hussein Obama’s has a Muslim name. Less obviously, his father is a devout Muslim and has four wives in Africa. Obama's picture is currently displayed on the page BANNER of Project Islamic H.O.P.E. which follows the teachings of the “Holy Quran” and the example of “Prophet Muhammad.” Project Islamic H.O.P.E. supports and follows the leadership of Imam W. Deen Mohammed, one of the world’s foremost Islamic leaders. Hussein Obama’s “Black Power Pastor Wright” supports Louis Farrakhan, and in 1984 traveled with him to visit the anti-semite Col. Muammar al-Gadaffi, an archenemy of Israel and America and a firm supporter of terror groups. Obama’s own pastor has also been a severe critic of Israel. In his own pastors words: “The Israelis have illegally occupied Palestinian territories for almost 40 years now. It took a divestment campaign to wake the business community up concerning the South Africa issue. Divestment has now hit the table again as a strategy to wake the business community up and to wake Americans up concerning the injustice and the racism under which the Palestinians have lived because of Zionism.” (http://islamichope.org/) Barack Hussein Obama has also been quoted as saying, “nobody is suffering more than the Palestinian people” and that “the lives of more than 3,000 soldiers killed in Iraq have been wasted.”

In addition, Obama’s Muslim and Marxist first cousin, Raila Odinga, has run for the presidency of Muslim Kenya and upon losing, in traditional Marxist form, rejected the results of the election and instead spurned wide-scale violence in protest. Barack Hussein Obama’s father, grandfather, grandmother, four brothers, and sister are all Muslim. He has a Muslim name and attended Muslim school for two years. What’s worse is that the Muslim world believes that he is still a Muslim parading as a Christian. They believe that this is acceptable because under Islamic law, a Muslim is morally justified in doing anything to destroy those who refuse to convert. And if Barack Hussein Obama really is a Christian, then he is up for the death penalty in half the Muslim world under Shariah Law for abandoning the Muslim religion.

Barack Hussein Obama is also a closet racist. In the period from high school in Hawaii, to Columbia University, and then to the streets of Chicago as a community organizer, Obama described his world thusly: ”We were always playing on the white man's court -- by the white man's rules. If the principal, or the coach, or a teacher wanted to spit in your face, he could, because he had the power and you didn’t. The only thing you could choose was withdrawal into a smaller and smaller coil of rage.” Later in life, Barack Hussein Obama described the white race as “that ghostly figure that haunted black dreams.” “That hate hadn't gone away,” he wrote, blaming “white people — some cruel, some ignorant, sometimes a single face, sometimes just a faceless image of a system claiming power over our lives.” (http://www.examiner.com/a-536474~_Trapped_between_two_worlds_.html)

From here, Barack Hussein Obama went on to become an agitator and “leftist political organizer” for Mike Kruglick, who followed the radical communist organizer Saul Alinsky. And the agitator's job, according to Alinsky, “is first to bring folks to the ‘realization’ that they are indeed miserable, that their misery is the fault of unresponsive governments or greedy corporations, then help them to bond together to demand what they deserve, and to make such an almighty stink that the dastardly governments and corporations will see imminent ‘self-interest’ in granting whatever it is that will cause the harassment to cease.” In these methods, euphemistically labeled “community organizing,” Barack Hussein Obama had a four-year education, which he often says was the “best education he ever got anywhere.” After reading this it should be no surprise that one of Barack Hussein Obama’s key supporters is the anti-American, George Soros.

Another one of Barack Husseun Obama’s key supporters is the National Council of La Raza (NCLR), the nation's largest Hispanic Nazi-type organization. La Raza is Spanish for “the race,” and although NCLR claims it means “community” on their website, La Raza supports legislation such as the “Civil Liberties Restoration Act,” which would roll back policies adopted after Sept. 11 designed to protect national security. It also supports the “DREAM Act,” which would mandate states to offer in-state tuition rates to illegal aliens -thus providing them with benefits that are not even available to U.S. citizens from other states. La Raza (The Race) also believes that the lower third of the United States still belongs to Mexico and that it is destined to be returned to Mexico someday.

In closing, although Barack Hussein Obama is polished on the surface, the chain smoker’s stand on the defenseless seems cold to the core, his racist attitude shameful, his foreign policy is chilling and the number one front in the War on Terror in my view, has now shifted from the Middle East to “Election 2008,” and we are on the front lines. Barack Hussein Obama Jr. has been voted the most liberal U.S. Senator. For this scarlet letter he has beaten out both Hillary Clinton who placed a meager 16th and Ted Kennedy himself. As the February air chills most of the nation, I am developing gooseflesh for more reasons than just the temperature.

By Ryan Sorba