You make me tired

Man, my life is nothing. The things I worry about, the things I want and desire are nothing. I am so petty sometimes. The things surrounding me are not about me, nor should they be. Life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

You dig your own grave, you better be prepared to sleep in it. You can't help those who do not want help, and I am inclined to think that help is not wanted. I guess I won't and neither will anyone else. We tried, and no matter how it is spun, it all boils down to the fact that the emotionally unstable can't handle accountability. I do not want to mess with pettiness anymore and it will, I promise, cause a distance between you and everyone who actually cares for your well being. I hope you find the truth one day. If you let us, we can help..

You make me and everyone else tired. You make prayer difficult

Hope dangles on a string

I feel very restless. I do not like keeping quiet. I want to shout out loud. I'm usually a man of actions, but I now have to be a man of patience. There are things I would like to say and do, but I am leaning on God, trusting in His will. It gets really hard sometimes. But I have hope. You give me hope. I need hope. I am trusting God.

"You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth"
- Relient k

good to go

I have had the urge to get a tattoo really badly. I want to get some kind of heart on my right arm. It would represent me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I thought it would be cool. But it probably won't happen..

So the other day at the Bcm some of the seniors were giving us a rundown of their walk through college. One of them talked about how God will take things away sometimes, and it can really just break you, and you really just have to look for the beauty in the brokenness. It got me thinking, so I wrote this. I'll probably tinker with it some more. Feedback would be appreciated..


There's an unbelievable chaos dancing in your mind
Your heart is torn to pieces, you question where and why
No matter where you're going, it's always raining inside
Is the brokenness a distraction that barely keeps you alive?

There is beauty in the brokenness, where there is
pain in the doubt. Sometimes being on the ground
is the only way to pick yourself up. The only other
place you can ever look is up. The fallen can become
the risen if you choose to let it go.

There is a hand reaching down from the clouded sky
above. Offering freedom from the world of broken
beating hearts. Grab the hand and He will pull you up.
He makes beauty from the brokenness and erases pain
and doubt. Then the love you seek will find you out.

The patches are growing thin over your hardened heart.
The older you get, the easier it is to forget where you should be.
You curse your luck in futility but luck is not what its
been about. You burn your own bridges and you hate
yourself for that. All the bitter songs can't fix it, they
add layers to the doubt.

Your mind games comprise the skepticism in your heart.
Every time you close your eyes the flash of pain paralyzes
your life. The point reached sometimes adds too much.
You can't hold on forever, just let it go.

champion of idiots

I am selfish.

I am the champion of idiots.

I feel stupid sometimes.

I think too much.

I do not trust God like I should.

It makes me feel guilty.

It's going to change.

It's not about me.

I am sorry.

"There's a film on the wall,
makes the people look small
who are sitting beside it
all consumed in the drama.
They must return to their lives
once the hero has died
they will drive to the office
stopping somewhere for coffee
where the folk singers, poets, and playwrights convene
dispensing their wisdom,
oh dear amateur orators.
they will detail their pain
in some standard refrain
that will recite their sadness
like it's some kind of contest.
Well if it is,
I think I am winning it,
all beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap
the gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck;
cause I am deserving it--
the champion of idiots."

Things I do not understand

I do not ask for much. I only try to give what is required. I tried to be a good friend. I pray for you daily. You now do your best to block me out. I do not understand why. Things went from outstandingly glorious to nothing. I try really hard. I do not understand how it went from talking everyday for a couple of hours to nothing but a casual hello. It's been like night and day. I do not even get that now. I would understand if it was in my head, but I was not the instigator of the initial friendship. Far as I know, it was never intended to be anything but that. On both sides. You seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I misread your happiness, maybe you are scared of mine. How did I go from the "nicest" to nothing?

What did I do? What did I not do? What are you afraid of? I never asked for anything. I tried be encouraging. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I understood you. It has been like a light was switched off. That sudden.


What did I do to scare you away? You have become the dark circles around my eyes. You are very cold towards me and I can't figure it out.

I did not want this to be this way. I guess you do now.

Then again, some things are not meant to be understood

It is the fear of being buried that makes you afraid to speak. Conor wrote that rhetorically.

I own several shovels.

I will pray for you.

I write these things because it is easier to type than say. I always feel better once I write it down.

From End to End - Relient k
excuse me, but i've got a request
could you take the gag off of my mouth
i admit that i'm fairly impressed
cause you're the best at blocking me out

i believe that we weren't quite done
i know it's hard to hear me out again
i realize, you're not the only one
who's terrified of life from end to end

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
i'm feeling unwanted, that's not what i wanted
and attention to me is something you refuse to pay

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

excuse me, but isn't this the way
that things always turn into something good
you've tried to ignore the things i say
but in the end you found you never could

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
you search for the short-cut, you live life but for what
i love you and hope you will find the truth some day

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to get you on my good side again

and tell me what will it take
to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to forget what you knew
just let Him find you
and then you'll see things through from end to end

sigh..

I sometimes get really tired of trying to make things work.

Patience is a virtue

I like words

Soo..

I have to choose what classes I want to take next semester. I do not know what I want to take yet. I fear it's going to keep me up far longer than it should.

This morning I heard my Pastor say something about you never see anyone "living in a graveyard." As in the only people that go to graveyards are living. So that got me thinking, and I wrote this:

All around the dead lie and do they speak to you?
What secrets do they whisper as you participate
in their doom. Silence tells no secrets, only past
regrets and fear. You only hide in these shadows to
justify your fear.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

The cover is blown and what do you say to that?
Your attempt to live amongst the silent headstones
has faded to the black. Can you not see those around
you trying to shine a light? The spider-webs of past
regret hold only dust and died flies. You can only stay as
dead as the ones who brought you down.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

Do you find comfort in the shadows, does the silence
help you along? Do the headstones somber soliloquies
boast enough wisdom to keep you strong? The days
among the dead should be kept shorter for your own sake.
Pretty soon your own headstone will be your final resting place.
Stop living in the shadows, stop living in the doubt.
Stop living in the shadows, and let the headstone go.

Basically it's about how some people act like they live in a graveyard, where no one else lives. They find comfort in the shadows I guess. I take comfort in mine sometimes..

No one comments on these things. I guess no one reads them.. who knows.