You don't?

I want to scream really really loud. I am so frustrated and I can't do anything about it. I am so tired. I am always either up or down. I feel bad about complaining, this is just life.

I am praying harder and more fervently than ever before. I feel so drained.

I'm not sure if I want to continue majoring in Political Science. I have been thinking about Journalism. I have been told that I write quite magnificently by different Professors, but when I write, it is more therapeutic for me. I have to express myself or I feel that I will blow up. I need to release the pressure somehow.

It's hard keeping the faith sometimes, I need to always remember that is not about me. Or you for that matter.

I think I treat you far better than you treat me.

Patience is a virtue.

God gives the best to those who leave it up to him..

Talk to me

Don't be this way

I feel like I'm chasing a big fish and in a small boat. All the other fisherman have bigger boats and are going to catch the fish because they're big and have stuff going for them.

Makes me feel small. Makes me feel like my prayers are not good enough. I am not patient and it kills me to be. It feels like it's eating me alive.

She asked me if I was depressed, I replied
"I just don't know where I'm at"
I turn the channels but they're all blank
The fuzzy black/white holds no comfort
only fake snow. Even that makes me feel cold

I strum the notes up and down
syncing rhythmically with me beating heart
If I stopped strumming would my heart no
longer beat? Would it just cave in?

If I chase the light to the very end
would it finally fade to black?

I'm back

I Guess This Song Makes Me a Chronic Liar

Ok I lied, I am terrified, I can't see past my own hands
But that doesn't mean you have to tell everyone.
Apathy is an easier route to take

Whats there to be scared of? Life is easier at 19
Left or right, it seems that I'm either up or down
It's not depression I just don't know where I'm at

I'm not gonna lie this time, you confuse me more than anyone
I can only guess so much, you have to say the rest.
I pray for no more roller coaster rides, but its out of my hands

I guess I'll contend with displacement or get an aptitude test
But I lied a second time, Apathy is not the easier route
If that was the case I wouldn't have written this down.

The easier route is to laugh and nod, pretend nothing is wrong
Make a joke, crack a smile and let my eyes tell a convincing lie
What you don't know won't hurt, at least on your end.
I guess I'm just scared of you. Or maybe I'm the skeptic

words

I don't have any angry music. It's ironic that all I own is mellow. I need to write, but I have nothing important to say. I feel that I have tension built up with no way to release it. It's like needing to release air from your lungs but not being able to. Maybe it's pent up aggression, or maybe it is the lack of sleep. I haven't gone to bed before 2 am since December. Mostly my fault.

work in progress

Words

What are words but lose of control?
Repeated letters that express how we feel.
The epitomized emotions of runaway fear
Captivating verbatim that captivates a few
A roundhouse kick to the expressively rich
The downfall to those who speak to much

What are words but spoken emotions?
The breakdown of barriers that divide us all
A culmination of the wind and the sun
The tearful goodbye or the yellow bird.

a giant metaphor

I always play the sad notes.
I want the sun to shine again
These cold days are too long
I wouldn't understand if the
sun didn't come out

Its light outside but the
sun doesn't seem to shine
I'm looking for a metaphor
in a darkened sky but all I
see is blue

I have sung this song before
though It always skips my part
I have wondered if the
record player is broken
or is the needle dead?
How can something so
small effect the way I react?

The melody seems right but
I can only hear parts.

Whats the use in an investment
with no return? Happiness is an
experience I haven't pocketed yet.
Have my wings been clipped? A cage
is a prison no matter how you spin it.

You are the song I've tried to
write but now that the words
are penned I feel you
won't hear them.
Hows that for a metaphor?

my prayer

Philippians 4:6-9

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you".

sigh..

I feel sick, and I dislike this feeling. Its like there is a hole in my heart, a bottomless pit that consumes me entirely. It physically makes me sick. I need for spring break to hurry up and come before this feelings takes over me. I need to get away.

Sometime I wish I didn't know anybody. I sometimes wish it was just me so I wouldn't have to deal with anybody else. I wouldn't have to second guess anybody's feelings, I wouldn't have to try to be anything.

I am afraid of being alone. I don't want to end up alone. I'm scared that will happen.

Do you want to know the truth about me? I hide behind my sarcasm and wittiness so I won't get hurt.

I don't want to end up alone..

Truth is a scary thing

hmm.. Yellow bird?

So I am pretty lethargic about now. Who needs sleep anyways? and that was rhetorical..

I hate having a thousand words in my heart, but not be able to let a single one loose. I think it could quite possibly be the worst feeling. Hakuna Matata?

Elevate has been especially amazing the last few weeks. We have been talking about prayer and how it should be. Or rather how we should pray.. Last night's message was awesome in the fact that it was a kick in my face, and I really really really needed to hear it. There were several key verses spoken on, but the three that stuck out to me were Matthew 7:7/8, Luke 22:42, and Romans 12:12.

Matthew 7:7/8 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened".

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done".

Romans 12:12 - "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".

I overthink and worry about the outcome of events in my life that "I" want to see happen. God just really convicted me with those three verses telling me that I should ask and it will be given to me, but I should seek him. Also that I should always trust that His will be done, and even if what "I" want doesn't happen, be patient in the affliction because He will provide what I need. I get so tired of things not going the way I want them to go, but I need to keep the mindset that it's the way God has it, so it's fine.

I pray that God will open doors when I seek Him first, because I don't know if I would understand if they didn't open. But that is for another time..

I also was convicted that I need to spend more time in prayer, praying for people.. Lets not be selfish

Work in progress.. I wrote in a few minutes..I kinda like it

You don't have to shed a tear
but if your well overflows I
will be right here. If you need
a shoulder to give it all up on
I will be right here

You don't have to shed a tear
but now the river is flooded
I will try to make it all better
where is that smile that lightens
up the room? I will bring it out
with a laugh or two.

sleepy thoughts

I can't invest in something that I'm not sure that I can get a return on.

I have to know..