"Oh but give me love over
Love over, love over this"


~ Coldplay

I find myself becoming particularly wary as of late. I don't know if it's an overall hesitation to let myself go after something I want, or if subconsciously I feel like I shouldn’t try because I’ve hit too many walls in the past. Though, I am enjoying the sensation of realizing that something I once held on to is no longer a vice in my life, but rather a chapter in my heart that is closed forever. 

I’m also beginning to feel this perpetual state of disinvolvement with the people in my life too. I know a large part of it is friends moving apart, no longer conscripted by our need to validate each other through intertwining company. And undeniably part of it is shallowness. At first I emotionally battled this departure which led to kind of an angsty state of mind that I’m pretty sure was obviously, albeit overtly. I’m not a big fan of change, and particulars aside, I’m not even a small fan. Whichever side of the fan spectrum you’re on, it’s safe to assume that I don’t like change. 

I just suddenly understood the line “because you see too much safety”. Maybe that’s my problem. I see things only as ok or not ok. Maybe it does boil down to fear of the unknown and I’m afraid to draw outside of the lines. It’s an interesting thought, and defiantly a conundrum because I always know what I want and what I want is always spectacularly clear to me. Although I usually know when it’s not good for me and when it’s not good to pursue. I don’t know. Self assurance has never been something that I’ve been terribly capable of. I think way too logically and it threatens the existence of personal happiness because it constricts any leaps of faith that may be required. I just don’t want to be bound to singularity because of my ironic ineptitude.

I’m not sure why I’ve written all of this. I think it’s partially due to a range of pangs I’ve had this week. Pining might be a more accurate description. Anyways, I've suddenly found a door slightly cracked, or has the appearance of being cracked and I’m waiting to see if there is light behind the four paneled door. I walk past the door all the time and every time I pass it I’ve thought to myself that if and when it opened. 

Who knows, maybe this is the start of it all

(500) Days of Summer

12 flights of stairs up to the top

where the wind blows whistling love songs 

he takes each step 1 at a time

expecting something he will never find 

144 stairs in the well 

he knocks on the door baring a gift wrapped in brown

his love worn out on his sleeve

images of love will soon be mixed with pain 

visions of ecstasy dance in his mind

expectancy ruining all he's wanting to find

reality hits him with the cold hard truth

he'll leave the rooftop shedding stairs in reproof 

months it'll take on top of the days

to remove all the hurt between the shame

it wasn't all her fault, but part of it was

he left all of that on the apartment rooftop

a park bench overlooking a silent city

became the mark that held his destiny

the seasons changed and came something new

it was there all along waiting for him to choose

Allegory #1,456,959

Captains see through white waves

anchoring ships in shallow bays 

Sailing towards deep coasts

finding treasure in false hope 

As darkness spreads out

wind blows through rain clouds

White sails gain weight 

as fast ships graze waves 

Green trees pass by

hopeful docking yields no supply

Wasteful months give no luck 

sailors shouldn't anchor where there's no love

Deep blue on brown hull

cutting through a liquid toll

Seeking solace in bitter ends

what a sailor gets when things are held in

Shore ahead in distance speaks

calls to leave the wooden peaks

The mast holds square rigged cloth

folded down to come to a stop

Coast to contain all of the wants

but this sailors knows that you're all for not 

Oceans

One night with sweat on my brow

I dreamed of an ocean that barely held any water.

And I took a subconscious step into the knee deep sea,

wondering in vain in search of me.

For the pelagic depths were no longer there

and with each salty step I discovered more despair.

So I thought to myself, “Where had it gone?”

and pondered “if there was ever any ocean at all.”

For all these islands had sprung up in light of the subsidence,

and I waded to each, seeking answers in silence

I found the islands were sufficient for inhabitance,

and the beauty there was stunning beyond any comparison.

But I also noticed a resemblance in each tiny world

and if you took a step back you could see a continual void.

So I stumbled on through the watery scene

And walked for what seemed like months on top of weeks

My feet had grown ragged from the sharp edges of coral

But the salt water had fused the flesh back to each other

My throat had gone dry for there was no fresh water

And all of the islands had finally gone under

So I looked to the horizon for something new

But all that I saw was the blanket of blue

It seemed like it stretched for what I thought was forever

And I knew that I wouldn’t last in this sea of shallow

The sky suddenly darkened with large black clouds

The kind that usually pour water down 

And I knew instantly what it would mean,

The torrential downpour would surely flood past my knees

I found it odd that I was looking for water,

that it was all around me and becoming a bother

I didn’t even remember how I had gotten to this place

Or even why I thought it would have been remotely safe

So I stood in the ocean letting it flood

Allowing the water to creep further and further up

I stopped walking onward and stood fast in one place,

Until all that could be seen were my head and my face

When I opened my eyes I could see under water

And all that I feared had been scared away by the thunder

I started to move my legs just to see,

If I still had motion in my watery knees

I could move and run and walk and talk

And what I had sought was there sure enough

All that it took was the passing of time

And a little patience in the ocean of what wasn’t mine

Take Me Back To New York - written by Dan Forsberg and Chris Bergquist

Verses:
I guess I played it mediocre
but now I'm gone, not cause of who you were
I fought to try and erase time

Heavy lids, these eyes of shame
bloodshot rims, no sleep no gain. Now
foolish words from my foolish mouth.

It couldn't hurt to get away from
these southern hills, where everything's so plain
open skies, the thunder and the rain

Take the train, the bus, or plane
despite the ways, we'll never be the same
this love's on my fingertips

like the strings, my heart still sings
to resonate, a steel-stringed sillhouette
of six, separate paths to fret

a tight grip on the seat, a fresh page
where the ink will not seep
words will always pass the time

Chorus:
Take me back to New York
To the city lights, shining bright
as they were

Take me back to summer days
to freedom close, in this northern state
I've run away.

Bridge:
Hearts will mend
With Love unbroken
In lights and sounds
Of contrived motions When
Hearts will mend
With love unbroken
In lights and sounds
Of contrived motion again
Time. Will. End. And.

Take me back to New York
To the city lights, shining bright
as they were

Take me back to summer days
to freedom close, in this northern state
I've run away.

I'm coming too close to the edge of the globe, 
the sea is filled with rocks and sunken boats.
The ship is still stable but the crew gambles feats; 
the price of the earnings might be a little too steep.
The sea is so churning with the emotions of few, 
the albatross flies high seeking to confuse.
The bird will circle, causing chaos;
blinding the sailors with her nautical knowledge.
And all the while the sailors train their eyes towards the sky,
no longer watching the edge they defy.
But now a whirlpool forms ahead of the ship, 
endangering the lives putting the crew at further risk.
You see the spiral down is the worst part,
not the drowning or the water swallowing your life.
The ocean can harbor dangerous things, 
get too close to the edge even the biggest ship will sink.
And I will continue to sail this ship, 
but steer clear of the whirlpool which hides my fate.
I'm coming too close to the edge of the globe, 
the sea is filled with rocks and sunken boats.

Rivers and borders and states separate 
All across Dixie, these summers displaced

Knowing the distance isn’t that far but
When you miss what you don’t have
We might as well have been stars

You’ll whisper so close
but I’ll whisper so far
You’ll whisper so close
We might as well have been stars

These snow falls and mountains jutt from the crust 
Two thousand miles of road, ice, and dust.
Through the summer heat of Georgia’s blue skies
To winter still living across colder miles
To winter still living all across colder miles.

But no poems or rhythms can duly make due
Cause no matter the distance I’m still far from you
As unfortunate as the miles between
I’ll still keep on holding to my foolish dreams
I’ll still keep on holding on to my foolish dreams

So I try my best to make it each day
For you are what’s keeping all my fears at bay
And even though we might never work out
Like ice in the west I’ll eventually thaw out.
Like ice in the west yeah I guess I’ll thaw out.

This stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend lastnight about the downhill nature of the end of some relationships. Sometimes you just can't be friends afterwards, we just steal emotions. and then it then turned into something else haha

what if i told you i would wait as long as it took
the sun would set and the moon come up
a thousand times in repitition; a light on my afflicted condition

what if i told you that i felt this time delay
it always ends in one of two ways
love ignited, such a beautiful thing
or no longer friends but petty emotion thieves

it's always a risk to see where the path leads
but sometimes the end justifies the means
the future is uncertain, changing and moving
and you're still what gives me sleep deprevation
so i will wait as long as it takes
cause "love sees possibilities that do not currently exist"

Getting tired

I always, always do
mess love up when I talk to you

Oh it never fears
just to speak my mind
means losing friends

cause I get so restless
so I trade love for brightness
glow like the sun darlin
cause tomorrow it'll all be different

i can walk, i can walk
for a time alone
but I'll trip on my own feet
just to make sure I'm not alone

yeah you see, you see
i know all the signs
this restlessness is the end of me
love don't be the end of me

cause I get so restless
so I trade love for brightness
glow like the sun darlin
cause tomorrow it'll all be different

This is it this is now, the time as come to become something real
we are just a small part of the bigger world
a clashing piece of real estate seeking some love
but it's all in vain, we are all so vain

yeah come crashing sound, hold on to what pulls us down
listen love, if it's what you seek let go of him, her and me
cause we're nothing but love wrapped in our own hell
we're not clinging to the love that doesn't fail
no lets make our own bed and forget what's real

grace can you save someone like me?
ignore the pretty petty love and grant sight to me
if I can't rid the attention placed
give me what you would have of me

close our eyes close our eyes
please don't be too far off
tell me if it's not this love, tell me if it's another
tell me so I won't become what I preached

Father have You found me here
my arms no longer contain veiny fear.
I have nothing to bring but all that I am
take this heart and make it clean once again.

Build me up from the inside out
break down all the walls, remove the doubt
Take the pieces I can't separate from
Let Your spirit lead and whisper Your love

close my eyes to the things that I want
remind me Your love sustains everything and all
bless the times when I turn all away
let my storms magnify all Your glory
let the storms remind me that I'm only man

send me a sign, if only a piece (if only some peace)
silence the haunting hollow that is my shell
send me a love that edifies Your body
send me a love that echoes Your love
send me a love so I can share my soul

I must say that I probably owe you an apology
but those two words won't let loose from my lips.
Can you riddle me this, if I'm the one causing you
all these troubles, then why do you insist we be friends?

I can't help but be sad
cause every bridge I meet, flames up and burns completely.
I only had good intentions
but the match was lit before we even assembled

listen if you're going to slam the gavel then give me due process
cause I'll tell you that I pleed the fifth.
So shoval the dirt into the hole
close the casket and head for the door.
And if I had a dime for everytime my words were misunderstood,
then I'd have enough money to leave and forget who you were

and I can't help but be sad
cause every bridge I meet, flames up and burns completely.
I only had good intentions
but the match was lit before we even assembled

she's my black tie, my black attire
I can't do anything right by her.
but can you riddle me this, if I'm the one causing you
all these troubles, then why do you insist we be friends?

spelling

ah Baby you make me want to cry
walk to the bank, swim the shores
down to the river of pity and sighs

Ready to go off and forget this beach
no more water drowing these eyes
down to the river of pity and sighs

I need you to tell me the truth
were you ever going to care?
down the river I'll float on down

To many times have I created
allusions of grand and glorious things
I'll close my eyes and go to sleep

Take a walk to clear my mind
it's filled with words and nostalgic things
they say it never completely goes away

Another time I wish it would have been
a different person, a different heart and place
I'll walk the shores and burn all the time

Nothing ever is simple as it seems
the spirit of your love blows through the trees
the sand moves in perfect harmony

You never can have what won't do
I walk to find another you
the shore, the sand, the river
all are a part of a bigger dream

contradiction

I bet it never crossed your mind that you drive me insane
it only crosses my mind one thousand times a day.
I'd forget you in a moments whisper, if only it was that easy
but a pretty face and a lovely soul simply cannot be erased.

I hate that you leave me alone, God you drive me crazy
but I'd love to see you leave me to dance all alone.
You're a breathe of air that chokes me to death
I am the candle and with a slowly decending wick

I'm burning out, I'm burning out..

Oh but it can be a new day! the sun wakes up the sleeper
Be careful then how you live, not as the unwise
but make most of every opportunity, live like you're about to die

I don't consider us the same, play devil's advocate and put me to shame
You just say it's still the okay, I'll try to figure it out by going insane.
Pass me on the street and look away, hide a smile and shy to the side
It doesn't matter though cause..

it can be a new day! the sun wakes up the sleeper
Be careful then how you live, not as the unwise
but make most of every opportunity, live like you're about to die

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you
For you 
And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light

I can feel it now, I'm on the verge of something else.
Build up inside, pressure mounting pushing love outside.
I feel like a swirling storm, tossed to and fro.
an open wind on one thousand seas collecting the discontentment of one thousand
sailors and their burdens of unease.
a fervant tide of ebb and flow, a slowly sinking ship, helm destroyed by
unumbered wars.
wars of attrition and wars of masochistic fights.
battles of anger, battles of hurt and pride.
the ground still being held by what constitutes right,
no understanding or even a hint of light.
time only tells what times allows
you only forget when you let it go

It's funny how the things we do shape the things to come. How you can have no idea what someone is trying to convey through their experiences and you have no way to empathize with what they are saying until you experience something similar. It opens your eyes.

How you never understand a song until something happens in your life, then you suddenly understand what the artist is saying. You know exactly what they were feeling and the sense of happiness or pain or sorrow is felt in the same way.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning". - The Perks of Being A Wallflower