ehhhhhhhhhhh

I sometimes ponder lesser things, like if apathy really is the key.
Keys keep things bound that should stay locked, closed caskets
remain on top.
The world is a dream, disengaged from naivety to reality.
I can't see what's in front of me.

I wonder what you see in them, if love is a game, little terms of engagement.
Is it a war to be won, a trophy to display? Or do you just not want to be alone?
I hold onto what contains at least a little humanity, I can't participate in games.
Retrospect might show pride comes before the fall, ego then assumes the initial role
maybe that is the deal, a microscopic man among infinite beings.
A fatal flaw of a degenerate man.

I hear claims of hearts given to unequated lovers, shameful looks and pregnant belly's.
I see hands held and funerals planned.
Are you learning much walking together in the barren land?
Is it all a lesson to be learned, a playbook assembled by a tally at the end?
Mark it up as another win to a year that came and went
I'll continue to be honest and stay confused until the pieces fit.

Satisfaction

"Be Satisfied with Me" by St. Anthony of Padua:

"Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says,
"No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry
Don't look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don't look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your
Relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love utterly.
I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

yeah

running on empty notions that make me uneasy
i just want love unconditionally
lightening sparks, the grass, the fire could actually last
Wind blows leaving only ashes.

and I'm so tired but I can't sleep
running through the motions of
chaos and unease. I see trials
that seem to last you keep coming
back as a ghost from my past.

I never like feeling so tired I never like
wanting what I can't hold. And these are
words on a blank white screen, no longer
a metaphor of you and me.

You gave me what I asked, You sat me
down and simply reinforced that You
give and take what is supposed to last.

You whisper your promises and I can't
even look, I can't even comprehend the
magnitude of Your grace. I can't take
what I ask when all You do is give me
what I don't deserve.

Bless my eyes to finally see that what
You do is enough for me. Contain
this bleed and allow me to see that
all You do is enough for me..

ok

These two are totally separate pieces of my work.

Structured integrity never took hold
you opened the door but wouldn't let me in.
I was the gentlemen that never got far
but close enough to make an assessment of
that I can't be any more scared than you are.

I never asked for much, or rather anything at all
like a bird in a trap I was snared, clipped, then let go.
Well I took a dive unable to save a fall, and you
were okay as long as gravity didn't pull you along.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
Of everything that you once said,
now negates the feelings you currently
place in my head.

It's sad to think how far this went.
Degenerate means we fallen farther
than intentions initially started and led.
I promise to make sure you make
me unsure of why we're so unsure.
You just do what you've been doing
open up then shut the door.

I promise that I'm not angry or even upset
I just have a hard time making some sense.
I promise I'm not bitter or resentful in fact
God allows me to be better than that.
Well we'll take the leap and plunge headfirst
it'll still just be me and an unsuccessful launch.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Along which lines do we really walk day by day?
Do we say what we mean and mean what we say?
Caught up in a battle of broken fellowship, has our
love become a war of attrition?

Battlefields strewn with the dead, casualties of our
own selfish ends. Infatuations of the lost and lonely
searching for the holy in the land of milk and honey.
We place our hands of the monetary, click our heels
and hope for something less dreary. Well we'll be all
alone in the darkened world, seal of death delivered
by what we hold to closely.

Walk through the flame with our heads held high,
aloft by the game that we continue to die by.
But we're not alone even if we think we are, infatuated
by what standards everyone else lives by.

I'll tell you the truth, I want you to know, you're
beautiful but you're nothing but an excuse to feel good.
And that's the problem with love today, we never say
what we mean and mean what we say...

same old same old when's it going to end?
Cursed with a disease that never heals,
broken spirit reminds me that it's time that wins.
Well I'll tell you the truth, I'm a contender for
this, you tell me you love me and I'll tell you to quit

Records are broken every chance they get
cause I'm the first place loser without any real wins.
And I can still feel my heartbeat when I hold my breath
I guess I've never have been able to hold it enough.
Self pity is the first step of going insane, writing these words
makes it easier to complain.
But what you don't get is what I don't explain
and you'll makes excuses why things aren't the same.

I just want you to know that I've given up on
tying down all the loose ends. Truth be told it's
just you, my pride, and me, just like Andy said.
Pride does funny things to the mind, the heart,
and when it comes down to it, everything's
just in my head.

part two

I shouldn't be mad, it's childish at best.
I muster up fear to justify pride, either way
pride will feed the beast inside.
I'll push it out, watch it leave, assert
what I really mean.

I'll talk it out, but you won't hear a word
I'll speak my mind to everyone but you.
Cause when it's said and done, breaking
a heart was never what I intended to do.

I do it everytime, masochism at it's very best.
If I open my mouth I should start digging my grave
cause I'll break things by getting in the way.
Yeah but I have faith, faith enough to see that
the road that I travel is perfectly fine for the likes of me.

gravel path is key for skinned knees, dreams are
made of the things you can't really see.
I'll build it up, but on some trust
have you break it just like everyone else before.

whatever whatever it's all the same, I'll go to sleep
and wake up the next day. Throw on some Conor
and life will go on, write some words that justify
the need.

whatever

It wasn't long to come to pass
I thought wrong and blew a chance.
We talked it out and let it go
Now that I walked away I want you more.

And I can't stand this state of mind
I thought all I needed was a little time.
Well time can do funny things
cause now that time has passed
I want you even more.

And I don't understand many things
such as why you stopped liking me suddenly
Chalk it up to things unknown, like why we
act like we know someone.

If actions dictate a state of distress
this ships going down without much of a hit.
At least you stopped mid mark, without
hesitation you pulled all stops.

You mean everything to nobody, but me

I haven't expressed myself in a while through this venue, so it's time to release some pend up words.

I've been struggling a lot with contentment lately, I always want more. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something more in my life, I feel like I'm built for bigger and better things. I just want things to be simple sometimes. I want to run away with someone and just forget everything else. I think I have to get out of Carrollton, I really do. I need a serious girlfriend is what I need. I'm tired of my conscious telling me to be patient. I'm tired of waiting for doors to open where in all actuality, the door is probably a revolving one, and the initiator of the swinging door is just waiting for me to jump on board. Well I'm not a damn psychic so please tell me if that's the case. I am a fool if we're being honest here and I do not understand how this crap works half the time.

I've been feeling very nostalgic towards certain relationships as well. I understand that people undergo changes and whatnot during times apart, but I never thought it would be like this. I just hate investing myself in people and it be completely genuine for all parties involved then have it seemingly fall apart. I just can't handle all that. All of this is usually in my head, because I tend to overthink the majority of everything that I come across, but I am sick and tired of being the only one who tries. I have to have the assurance that our relationships are being held together from both ends.

Manchester Orchestra has been influencing my writing a lot lately. I wrote this hymn like song.


Oh wandering heart cannot stay still.
Fill me up to become empty again.
Like the stars shining up above
shine your light, give me your love.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Swallow my pride, choke my mind
give me the peace I desire inside.
Lord hear my cry, my plee of release.
Lord bring me up from my knees.

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

Mold my heart, make it yours
take away this empty hull.
Fetter grace my wandering heart
take away, leave only your thoughts

Oh Lord will you help me see?
Peace like a river bind my heart
to thee.

I'm usually not wrong

I sometimes feel that things won't be the same when school starts back. I feel that friendships won't be the same and that scares me. I don't like change, but I guess people change and I just don't know if things will be as good as they were. It makes me feel sick. Tell me I'm wrong.

Don't let the fear take control, you
have to swim before you can drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so just let go.

It's easy to do, to lose it all
all you have to do is forget
who you are. Remember to
breathe in and out, panic can
only take you further from where
you are.

Sometimes you have to forget
to remember where you at,
displacement is normal and so
is doubt (regret). Gravity can only
keep you down for so long, the valley
is always the bottom of the top.


Don't let the fear take control, you
have to get wet before you can swim
but you don't have to go deep to drown.
You have to trust before you can
let everything go, so take my hand
and let go.

a little honesty

I feel like I need to get away. I am so restless and lacking contentment

PRIORITIES

1. God
2. My future

• School
• Relationships

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydacEnqStzw

its sooo late

This heart of mine bleeds words and rhythms
much of which makes little sense.
Flowing from the black keys comes nonsensical
themes that even I hold to low expectations.
Much like the future ahead, plans scare me to
death and hold what I cannot see. Clarity of
my heart that I do not wear for sport is something
I desire the most. With clarity comes action and with
action, consequences and I think that scares me the most.
I want to believe that you and me can be the best thing there
ever was. But to see is to believe and my heart most assuredly
agrees that most of the time I tend to fail. My own actions are
useless and I pray with clenched fists that my prayers are not
short of sincerity. It's four in the morning and with each passing
second my eyes swell with tiredness. My fingers keep moving as my
brain keeps choosing the words in which I express myself.
I am alone with my breathing and the only thing consuming my
time is the thoughts that plague my mind. But is this all useless
since I know things will work out, even if my mind says otherwise.
I guess I should trust and obey for there is no other way, but to be
happy and happy I shall be..

...

So it is May 25th and I am ridiculously bored.
School has been out for three weeks and I feel like I have nothing to do except sleep and go to work.
I am not content with that.
I think I will start fishing regularly since I have nothing really else to do.
I'm not going to lie, and this might sound slightly girlish, but I really miss my college friends. Especially Taylor and Whitney.
It is going to be a very long summer.
I haven't been able to write much either, at least anything that resembles any sort of fluidity.
I am lacking inspiration I suppose.

Eyes wide open

Is it weird that I want to settle down already? I will be 20 this year, but I sincerely want to just settle down. I guess there are a lot of things that need to happen before I will be able to do that, like graduate college, have a good job, get married. [?] This may astound some people, but the settling part I want to the most is the comfort of that married relationship. I know what I'm looking for, I just have to find it. It is hard to find that person who meets my criteria. I have only met a couple, and one ended up being someone else other than who she said she was. We are not going to talk about that. I'm am just not a patient person, regardless of what my friends say. I hate waiting. Is it wrong to be so picky? Cause this is what I want.

1. Has to be a Christian. A practicing Christian who has a strong relationship with God and not just a shallow convenient Christian. I really want her to be someone I can look at and want to try and keep up with spiritually.
2. She has to like music at the same level as I do. I really love music, and it takes up a large portion of my life.
3. She has to care about the world around her. I'm more than likely going to be involved in some type of Public Service for the rest of my life and she has to care about things that are bigger than she or I.
4. She has to be real not fake. I see so many people putting out this facade to try and make it seem that they are something they aren't. I have a problem with shallow people.
   

I don't want to sound creepy, but I am always on the lookout for this. Like I said, I haven't met too many people who have met those criteria. I trust God will put someone there when He desires to. I know what I need. I want this to happen.

I have to keep the perspective that there is a difference between liking the idea of something and liking something. I see that so many times with relationships. People get into a relationship based on some petty attraction because they like the idea of having that relationship. It's like showing off a new toy. The really sad thing is that those relationships end, and one, two, three weeks later there is a new one in its place. It is sad. I'm at the point where I something solid. I am not saying I have been like that, cause I am strongly against petty "trophy" relationships. I have been for what seems like forever, a proponent of real relationships that mean something.

I feel like an old man sometimes. I just want to grow old with someone and laugh with them forever.

"If we are the Body, how'd the pretty man get so ugly. How did he get all the spaces between each limb?"

I am really sad right now. I simply am at a loss. I just don't understand how people can act one way and then turn around and act another way. The hypocrisy makes me so sad. It breaks my heart. How can you say you are a Christian, then act in a way that absolutely shatters any recognition of Christ in you? How can you walk into a church, or the BCM for that matter and pretend that this relationship you claim to have is all good? On what level does your mind work at to try and justify your actions? How can you say you want the world to have what you have and still act this way? Do you even know what you have? How can you just not care? I am going to say this and maybe come to regret it, cause I have no way of knowing who reads this, but I feel like so many people at the BCM are totally hypocritical and fake. It is about an emotional high for them, a show. I actually don't feel like, I know. You walk in acting all "christiany" and then go get wasted. What goes through your mind? How do you justify it? Are you a convienent Christian? Do you only take from Christianity what is convienent for you? I do not understand the mentality. I truly do not.

This is not about one person, this is about a group. I am sad that it is like this. I think you should be called out. You guys think you're so cool. It makes me want to punch you in the face and remove that smug cockiness that you guys are so proud of. You think you are so much cooler than everyone else too. How can you act that way? It makes me want to have nothing to do with you anymore. Stupid, you are so stupid. Act the way you should or don't ever say you're a
Christian. I hate it, You are what is wrong with Christianity. You don't want to change either, and you probably won't. I just can't stand it.

It breaks my heart. I will try to pray for you, but it makes me really mad.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else was.

You see, you don't really. You can't
possibly see if you sleep with your
eyes closed. Is it easier when you
push until it closes all in? Masochistic
is what it is.

You owe me nothing, but it would
have been considerate considering
you claim to be my friend. Do you
really not understand that point of
view? What is a friend who doesn't
care? I can't wrap my head around
you.

Continue to negate the feeling of pain
and I'll continue to do that same.
Maybe that's the deal you're afraid
to show, but why did you change from
where you were? I don't understand
why you continue on like this, its the
lack of Christ that makes it this hard.

acronym with explitives

I would like to start off by saying that I write these blogs for no one. This is for myself, it is therapeutic for me. It is why I am minoring in Creative Writing. If you think otherwise, it is because you are a creeper. Yes, creeper. So don't ever complain about what I write. I do not usually advertise this. You, creeper you.



That tree withers, the roots have turned to dust.
You claim you're fine but your eyes say otherwise.
You have to let it go, no one ever drowns alone.

The sea is churning oh so hard. The waves of
this life will carry you down. You're in the water
you won't stay afloat. I'm telling you that no one
ever drowns alone.

Oh you of little faith just try and believe,
That convenience is not as easy to sing.
I realize now that is all it was.
Yeah this is about you, but stop pretending
everything else is too.

I have always been told pride comes before
the fall. But evidently so does hypocrisy, but
that tops it all. You are right to say you owe
me nothing, but it would have been considerate
to explain a few things. I'd like to say I'm not mad,
but that would be a lie. It just makes me feel like crap
cause I thought we were closer than that.
Yeah, evidently I was wrong.

Made Too Pretty

Every once is a while you come across a song that makes you stop and think about your own self. Where you are as a human being. I listen to a lot of music, I personally own over 600 cd's. Even though I listen to a lot of music, no song has stirred up emotions like this song. I am going to break it down.

The song is called "Made Too Pretty" by As Cities Burn. The song is about human nature and how we see ourselves as our own god, how we see ourselves as someone who is not really in need of anything higher because we have it all together. The song supposes that we were made "too pretty" and because of that we have become to enthralled in our beauty.

The first line starts out, "We bear Your name and You let us say you are something that you’re not. As if You were made after we saw our own faces and knew we were gods, enough." The first part talks about how Christians misrepresent Christ sometimes, turning Him into something convenient for us. We act like we were here first and God was made in our image instead of the other way around. We fall into this trap where we think we are "gods enough" to handle things ourselves.

The song goes on to say, "I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare we cannot break. We know nothing changes too slowly. Someday we might come down, but who’s to really say." This line holds the theme of the song, that we were made "too pretty" and because we have that mentality, "we are caught up in a stare we cannot break", meaning that we focus on ourselves, so involved with ourselves. "Someday we might come down, but who's to really say" illustrates that we know what we are doing, but chose to think we are above it all.

"And if we are the Body how’d the pretty man get so ugly, how’d he get all these spaces between each limb. And if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead."
This is my favorite line of the song. It raises the question on how if we are the "Body" made in Christ's image, how'd we get so ugly and defile something that is beautiful. The question is obviously rhetoric. The "spaces" represent our godlike view of ourselves, and the "limb" is referring to the Body. It also makes us aware of how our ego's create a distance between God and us. " if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead"


"I think we became too petty. We... We... We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need."
We have become to petty, the pettiness is shown by how we rely on our own things, the stupid petty things that makes us feel like we are the god of our lives. The pettiness has become so entrenched, we have gotten to a state where we don't want a God who doesn't give us want we want, what makes us feel good all the time. We don't want to see that we are in need.

That is pretty much the song. I love it. Listen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v4_TCER8rE


"Made Too Pretty" - As Cities Burn

"We bear Your name and You let us say you are something that you’re not. As if You were made after we saw our own faces and knew we were gods, enough. I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare we cannot break. We know nothing changes too slowly. Someday we might come down, but who’s to really say. And if we are the Body how’d the pretty man get so ugly, how’d he get all these spaces between each limb. And if there is one thing bigger than my head that’s the distance I’ve been mislead. Cause I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare and we can’t break. We know nothing changes too slowly. And someday I might come down, oh, I don’t wanna come down. I think we became too petty. We... We... We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. We don’t want a God we don’t see in ourselves, don’t see we’re in need. I think we were made too pretty. We’re caught up in a stare and we can’t break. I think we were made too pretty, yeah... so much that we don’t see it, we don’t see it... We know nothing changes too slowly." -

You make me tired

Man, my life is nothing. The things I worry about, the things I want and desire are nothing. I am so petty sometimes. The things surrounding me are not about me, nor should they be. Life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

You dig your own grave, you better be prepared to sleep in it. You can't help those who do not want help, and I am inclined to think that help is not wanted. I guess I won't and neither will anyone else. We tried, and no matter how it is spun, it all boils down to the fact that the emotionally unstable can't handle accountability. I do not want to mess with pettiness anymore and it will, I promise, cause a distance between you and everyone who actually cares for your well being. I hope you find the truth one day. If you let us, we can help..

You make me and everyone else tired. You make prayer difficult

Hope dangles on a string

I feel very restless. I do not like keeping quiet. I want to shout out loud. I'm usually a man of actions, but I now have to be a man of patience. There are things I would like to say and do, but I am leaning on God, trusting in His will. It gets really hard sometimes. But I have hope. You give me hope. I need hope. I am trusting God.

"You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth"
- Relient k

good to go

I have had the urge to get a tattoo really badly. I want to get some kind of heart on my right arm. It would represent me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I thought it would be cool. But it probably won't happen..

So the other day at the Bcm some of the seniors were giving us a rundown of their walk through college. One of them talked about how God will take things away sometimes, and it can really just break you, and you really just have to look for the beauty in the brokenness. It got me thinking, so I wrote this. I'll probably tinker with it some more. Feedback would be appreciated..


There's an unbelievable chaos dancing in your mind
Your heart is torn to pieces, you question where and why
No matter where you're going, it's always raining inside
Is the brokenness a distraction that barely keeps you alive?

There is beauty in the brokenness, where there is
pain in the doubt. Sometimes being on the ground
is the only way to pick yourself up. The only other
place you can ever look is up. The fallen can become
the risen if you choose to let it go.

There is a hand reaching down from the clouded sky
above. Offering freedom from the world of broken
beating hearts. Grab the hand and He will pull you up.
He makes beauty from the brokenness and erases pain
and doubt. Then the love you seek will find you out.

The patches are growing thin over your hardened heart.
The older you get, the easier it is to forget where you should be.
You curse your luck in futility but luck is not what its
been about. You burn your own bridges and you hate
yourself for that. All the bitter songs can't fix it, they
add layers to the doubt.

Your mind games comprise the skepticism in your heart.
Every time you close your eyes the flash of pain paralyzes
your life. The point reached sometimes adds too much.
You can't hold on forever, just let it go.

champion of idiots

I am selfish.

I am the champion of idiots.

I feel stupid sometimes.

I think too much.

I do not trust God like I should.

It makes me feel guilty.

It's going to change.

It's not about me.

I am sorry.

"There's a film on the wall,
makes the people look small
who are sitting beside it
all consumed in the drama.
They must return to their lives
once the hero has died
they will drive to the office
stopping somewhere for coffee
where the folk singers, poets, and playwrights convene
dispensing their wisdom,
oh dear amateur orators.
they will detail their pain
in some standard refrain
that will recite their sadness
like it's some kind of contest.
Well if it is,
I think I am winning it,
all beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap
the gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck;
cause I am deserving it--
the champion of idiots."

Things I do not understand

I do not ask for much. I only try to give what is required. I tried to be a good friend. I pray for you daily. You now do your best to block me out. I do not understand why. Things went from outstandingly glorious to nothing. I try really hard. I do not understand how it went from talking everyday for a couple of hours to nothing but a casual hello. It's been like night and day. I do not even get that now. I would understand if it was in my head, but I was not the instigator of the initial friendship. Far as I know, it was never intended to be anything but that. On both sides. You seemed to enjoy it. Maybe I misread your happiness, maybe you are scared of mine. How did I go from the "nicest" to nothing?

What did I do? What did I not do? What are you afraid of? I never asked for anything. I tried be encouraging. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I understood you. It has been like a light was switched off. That sudden.


What did I do to scare you away? You have become the dark circles around my eyes. You are very cold towards me and I can't figure it out.

I did not want this to be this way. I guess you do now.

Then again, some things are not meant to be understood

It is the fear of being buried that makes you afraid to speak. Conor wrote that rhetorically.

I own several shovels.

I will pray for you.

I write these things because it is easier to type than say. I always feel better once I write it down.

From End to End - Relient k
excuse me, but i've got a request
could you take the gag off of my mouth
i admit that i'm fairly impressed
cause you're the best at blocking me out

i believe that we weren't quite done
i know it's hard to hear me out again
i realize, you're not the only one
who's terrified of life from end to end

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
i'm feeling unwanted, that's not what i wanted
and attention to me is something you refuse to pay

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

excuse me, but isn't this the way
that things always turn into something good
you've tried to ignore the things i say
but in the end you found you never could

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
you search for the short-cut, you live life but for what
i love you and hope you will find the truth some day

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

so tell me
tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to get you on my good side again

and tell me what will it take
to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to forget what you knew
just let Him find you
and then you'll see things through from end to end

sigh..

I sometimes get really tired of trying to make things work.

Patience is a virtue

I like words

Soo..

I have to choose what classes I want to take next semester. I do not know what I want to take yet. I fear it's going to keep me up far longer than it should.

This morning I heard my Pastor say something about you never see anyone "living in a graveyard." As in the only people that go to graveyards are living. So that got me thinking, and I wrote this:

All around the dead lie and do they speak to you?
What secrets do they whisper as you participate
in their doom. Silence tells no secrets, only past
regrets and fear. You only hide in these shadows to
justify your fear.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

The cover is blown and what do you say to that?
Your attempt to live amongst the silent headstones
has faded to the black. Can you not see those around
you trying to shine a light? The spider-webs of past
regret hold only dust and died flies. You can only stay as
dead as the ones who brought you down.

Because you're living in a graveyard,
Where everyone one is dead. You're alone
in the graveyard, sharing silence with the dead
Wake up and see the sun shine, you don't
have to be alone. Stop living in the shadows
and let the headstone go.

Do you find comfort in the shadows, does the silence
help you along? Do the headstones somber soliloquies
boast enough wisdom to keep you strong? The days
among the dead should be kept shorter for your own sake.
Pretty soon your own headstone will be your final resting place.
Stop living in the shadows, stop living in the doubt.
Stop living in the shadows, and let the headstone go.

Basically it's about how some people act like they live in a graveyard, where no one else lives. They find comfort in the shadows I guess. I take comfort in mine sometimes..

No one comments on these things. I guess no one reads them.. who knows.

fear and faith

I have been thinking about fear lately. You see fear is a funny thing. It can be a crippler, or a motivator. Fear can cause us to run and hide, can bind our tongues, can get our knees knocking..

I do not like to take risks. When I do take risks, they are calculated risks. Even then I would rather not risk anything.

What is there to be afraid of though? You see I think we fall into the trap where we get comfortable in our fear. It is safer to hide amongst the fear than to step out of the shadows and embrace the unknown. I'm not going to lie, I like to feel safe. I need my safety net, and I can easily convince myself that it is justifiable to let the fear of whatever guide me to a safer environment.

But..

When you get to a place where you let absolutely nothing in, or words go unsaid; you need to question where you are at.

I have come to the conclusion that fear is the lack of faith. When we simply just believe that God has us no matter what, we can step out of the proverbial shadows of fear and a new light can shine. It is easier said than done, just believing is hard sometimes. It takes prayer, and I pray that I can step over the confines of fear.

So the moral of this lesson is to not let ourselves get too comfortable in our fear. It can ruin us. It can ruin lots of things..
Don't worry about others.. God's got you and that is all that matters. Everything else is simply trivial..


I want to start skating again..

Amazing Because It Is - The Almost

"I was so scared of everything you put in front of me
I've been marching to every part of me
Just to see
see
Why you need me to be
The boy you need me to be

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

I just wanna see

I'm the type of person who lets fear drive
I'm the type of guy that lets it drive
Cause I'm addicted, I'm needy
I'm lost without you
I need you
I need you

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (amazing grace)
How sweet the sound (how sweet)
That saves a wretch like me (that saved a wretch like me)
I once was lost
But now I'm found (you know I'm found)
Was blind but now I see

Amazing grace (you're amazing)
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost and alone)
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see"

You don't?

I want to scream really really loud. I am so frustrated and I can't do anything about it. I am so tired. I am always either up or down. I feel bad about complaining, this is just life.

I am praying harder and more fervently than ever before. I feel so drained.

I'm not sure if I want to continue majoring in Political Science. I have been thinking about Journalism. I have been told that I write quite magnificently by different Professors, but when I write, it is more therapeutic for me. I have to express myself or I feel that I will blow up. I need to release the pressure somehow.

It's hard keeping the faith sometimes, I need to always remember that is not about me. Or you for that matter.

I think I treat you far better than you treat me.

Patience is a virtue.

God gives the best to those who leave it up to him..

Talk to me

Don't be this way

I feel like I'm chasing a big fish and in a small boat. All the other fisherman have bigger boats and are going to catch the fish because they're big and have stuff going for them.

Makes me feel small. Makes me feel like my prayers are not good enough. I am not patient and it kills me to be. It feels like it's eating me alive.

She asked me if I was depressed, I replied
"I just don't know where I'm at"
I turn the channels but they're all blank
The fuzzy black/white holds no comfort
only fake snow. Even that makes me feel cold

I strum the notes up and down
syncing rhythmically with me beating heart
If I stopped strumming would my heart no
longer beat? Would it just cave in?

If I chase the light to the very end
would it finally fade to black?

I'm back

I Guess This Song Makes Me a Chronic Liar

Ok I lied, I am terrified, I can't see past my own hands
But that doesn't mean you have to tell everyone.
Apathy is an easier route to take

Whats there to be scared of? Life is easier at 19
Left or right, it seems that I'm either up or down
It's not depression I just don't know where I'm at

I'm not gonna lie this time, you confuse me more than anyone
I can only guess so much, you have to say the rest.
I pray for no more roller coaster rides, but its out of my hands

I guess I'll contend with displacement or get an aptitude test
But I lied a second time, Apathy is not the easier route
If that was the case I wouldn't have written this down.

The easier route is to laugh and nod, pretend nothing is wrong
Make a joke, crack a smile and let my eyes tell a convincing lie
What you don't know won't hurt, at least on your end.
I guess I'm just scared of you. Or maybe I'm the skeptic

words

I don't have any angry music. It's ironic that all I own is mellow. I need to write, but I have nothing important to say. I feel that I have tension built up with no way to release it. It's like needing to release air from your lungs but not being able to. Maybe it's pent up aggression, or maybe it is the lack of sleep. I haven't gone to bed before 2 am since December. Mostly my fault.

work in progress

Words

What are words but lose of control?
Repeated letters that express how we feel.
The epitomized emotions of runaway fear
Captivating verbatim that captivates a few
A roundhouse kick to the expressively rich
The downfall to those who speak to much

What are words but spoken emotions?
The breakdown of barriers that divide us all
A culmination of the wind and the sun
The tearful goodbye or the yellow bird.

a giant metaphor

I always play the sad notes.
I want the sun to shine again
These cold days are too long
I wouldn't understand if the
sun didn't come out

Its light outside but the
sun doesn't seem to shine
I'm looking for a metaphor
in a darkened sky but all I
see is blue

I have sung this song before
though It always skips my part
I have wondered if the
record player is broken
or is the needle dead?
How can something so
small effect the way I react?

The melody seems right but
I can only hear parts.

Whats the use in an investment
with no return? Happiness is an
experience I haven't pocketed yet.
Have my wings been clipped? A cage
is a prison no matter how you spin it.

You are the song I've tried to
write but now that the words
are penned I feel you
won't hear them.
Hows that for a metaphor?

my prayer

Philippians 4:6-9

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you".

sigh..

I feel sick, and I dislike this feeling. Its like there is a hole in my heart, a bottomless pit that consumes me entirely. It physically makes me sick. I need for spring break to hurry up and come before this feelings takes over me. I need to get away.

Sometime I wish I didn't know anybody. I sometimes wish it was just me so I wouldn't have to deal with anybody else. I wouldn't have to second guess anybody's feelings, I wouldn't have to try to be anything.

I am afraid of being alone. I don't want to end up alone. I'm scared that will happen.

Do you want to know the truth about me? I hide behind my sarcasm and wittiness so I won't get hurt.

I don't want to end up alone..

Truth is a scary thing

hmm.. Yellow bird?

So I am pretty lethargic about now. Who needs sleep anyways? and that was rhetorical..

I hate having a thousand words in my heart, but not be able to let a single one loose. I think it could quite possibly be the worst feeling. Hakuna Matata?

Elevate has been especially amazing the last few weeks. We have been talking about prayer and how it should be. Or rather how we should pray.. Last night's message was awesome in the fact that it was a kick in my face, and I really really really needed to hear it. There were several key verses spoken on, but the three that stuck out to me were Matthew 7:7/8, Luke 22:42, and Romans 12:12.

Matthew 7:7/8 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened".

Luke 22:42 - "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done".

Romans 12:12 - "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".

I overthink and worry about the outcome of events in my life that "I" want to see happen. God just really convicted me with those three verses telling me that I should ask and it will be given to me, but I should seek him. Also that I should always trust that His will be done, and even if what "I" want doesn't happen, be patient in the affliction because He will provide what I need. I get so tired of things not going the way I want them to go, but I need to keep the mindset that it's the way God has it, so it's fine.

I pray that God will open doors when I seek Him first, because I don't know if I would understand if they didn't open. But that is for another time..

I also was convicted that I need to spend more time in prayer, praying for people.. Lets not be selfish

Work in progress.. I wrote in a few minutes..I kinda like it

You don't have to shed a tear
but if your well overflows I
will be right here. If you need
a shoulder to give it all up on
I will be right here

You don't have to shed a tear
but now the river is flooded
I will try to make it all better
where is that smile that lightens
up the room? I will bring it out
with a laugh or two.

sleepy thoughts

I can't invest in something that I'm not sure that I can get a return on.

I have to know..

something witty..

Been writing some lately. We'll see how this ends up. Discovered some new awesome music through my new musical master Shelby. Conor Oberst, Azure Ray, Fleet Foxes, The Everybodyfields, Kevin Devine, Manchester Orchestra.. just too name a few. Thanks Shelby!

Written in Lead

There is a hole in my chest oozing out ink
A hollow divide that keeps me awake
Sleepless nights and run away dreams
Never fill these pages with quite enough ink

The words echo in my brain
Reverberating silence that reflects the pain
A constant reminder of the spiritual mark
that becomes the elusive target of choice

There is a hole in my chest oozing out ink
Writing down all the mistakes that I've made
I dream of the day when my mind forgets
The past mistakes that keep me awake

The mistakes you make are easily forgotten
As long as you don't write them in ink
And the funny thing is this is written
in lead. so it can be all erased away.


work in progress..

New day erupts from the fresh air
and the words I say aren't the
ones I desire out of my mouth
It's easy to picture, easy to dream
But harder to say when you're next to me

The awkward silence can signal two things
Complete infatuation or a wish to steal away

I wanna wear my heart on my sleeve

It has been a while since I lasted typed my thoughts for the public eye. Since my last vernacular suicide, I started college and finished a semester. It was really nothing special. Truthfully it has been a difficult few months with the exception of Christmas break.

People change when they experience the blissful yet terrifying first months of college. It is an entirely different atmosphere and people lose themselves in their new surroundings. People in general have always been a disappointment to me, always falling when I thought they were stronger. The only difference between me and those people, I swear I see myself falling and try to equate for it by preparing myself for it. Blame it on prophecy. Others just throw things in front of them to break the fall. Like hearts and other breakable essential things that can potentially damage the way friendships are viewed. I am just not a terribly big fan of pettiness. I actually hate it, and when something petty messes something up for me it makes me quite angry and leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Forever.

I am beginning to think my spiritual gift of prophecy is a curse not a gift. I hate how clear I see things and how I can't seem to make people see the clarity. But it is actually my lack of love. I need to be more loving. It is hard to love people who screw you over though.

I think I am going to ask a girl out. I see her around and the small conversations that I have had with her left the unequivocal feeling that I should try to whisk her off her feet.

This has been very random sorry.

This song is me 100%

Awful Direction by The Almost

Life has given me the, me the creeps
I need you to make, to make, to make me weak
I have made my world my own, I've made it my own
And I have never been so alone

I can't stop my brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours

I'm planning this out
to be all about me
I, I am wrong can you help me?

I can't stop this brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop these hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours

I've got to let go of all of this
'cause I'm dragging me down, down

I can't stop my brain from moving
in an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
what I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
but tonight
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours